That 70's Show: The 80's Debut
by bandit11111
Summary: It's finally the 80's, and that means Eric's going back to Africa and Kelso has to go back to little Betsy and his job back in Chicago. But Jackie and Donna aren't done with the reunion just yet. My first story! Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1: New Year's Day Plan

"5…4…3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YE-"

"RED'S A DUMBASS!"

The only sound that occurred in the room was the sound of the people on TV cheering. The Foreman household was probably the only house in all of America notcheering or anything. Instead, they were fearing for their lives.

"Oh my God, did he actually…?" Donna whispered to Eric. Eric wrapped his arms around her even tighter.

"I think he did…" Eric felt his heart pounding out of his chest.

Everyone slowly rotated their bodies to look at Red. His face had bloomed into a magnificent color of red. Was this really going to be the first time Red was actually going to kick someone's ass?

Kitty was ready to pull Red off of Kelso. Kelso was ready to take off running out that front door like his life depended on it (Actually, his life DID depend on it, so… even more the reason to run). Hyde was ready to trip Kelso's feet. Donna was ready to clutch to Eric for support while they cried they would laugh so much, and Fez was going to kiss Jackie happy New Years.

Wait, what is Red doing? What is he laughing at? Is Red… is he really… _laughing_ at Kelso? My God he is!

Everyone laughed and raised their Champaign glasses. That was the first Dumbass of the decade. It was New Year's Day 1980.

* * *

><p>When I woke up that morning I was on the Foreman's couch, not to mention that my head FELT LIKE IT WAS GOING TO EXPLODE. It was pounding like the drums in the school marching band did while I cheered for the Viking's at Football games. Plus, everything was spinning- Oh my God MAKE IT STOP!<p>

No one else had fallen asleep on the couch. It was just me, myself, and I. On the Pea Soup colored chair Donna had fallen asleep on Eric. Fez had cleared everything off the coffee table and had crashed on that (Let me tell you that was a _lovely_ picture), and Michael had fallen asleep on the floor in front of the couch. On the stairs was Steven; it was just him and his stripper- looking moustache. Ugh, that was one nasty moustache.

I climbed over Michael and made my way to the kitchen. On the way there I couldn't help but wonder _Whatever happened to Randy?_ I didn't really care though, because I never did like him. He was Creepy, with a capitol C.

Seriously? The Foreman's didn't have Fruity Pebbles? I know that's a little kids cereal, but when you live with Fez, you learn to cherish Fruity Pebbles. They weren't that bad!

I jumped ten feet in the air when I turned around to see Fez staring right at me.

"What the Hell! You scared the crap out of me Fez!" I punched him in the shoulder and he let out "Aye" And gripped his shoulder in pain. I felt pretty tough when I punched Fez and he screamed like a little girl. I couldn't help but giggle.

"Hey, look, mistletoe!" Fez pointed at the ceiling. I went ahead and looked, and sure enough there was one.

"Fez, it's after Christmas, so its not-" I didn't finish my sentence before he kissed me. It wasn't just like a peck, but it was like… tongue- in- mouth. And let me tell you, it was pretty hot!

But I pushed him away just in time when the Kitchen door flew open to reveal Steven. I ignored him and continued to look for something healthy, or at least some fun cereal.

"What are you two doing?" Steven pushed through us and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator.

"Looking for something to eat." Fez said for me, but after he said that Steven reached behind me in the cabinets and pulled out a box of Fruity Pebbles. I gave him a kiss on the cheek (not too close to that moustache though) and ran to the table.

"Don't tell Foreman though, cause he has to go get his own box." Steven snapped as he left the room.

"Fez, get the bowls and milk." I sneezed. He just stared at me. "Please?" He smiled and happily grabbed both of them without a fight. I took the liberty and made Fez's bowl for him.

"Thanks honey." He said in his cute foreign accent.

"No problem cupcake!" I gave him an Eskimo kiss, which for you non- romantics is when two deeply in loved people rub their noses together. Where do Eskimos live anyway? Tennessee?

"GUYS! I HAVE THE BEST IDEA EVER!"

Fez jumped like six feet in the air, and took his cereal bowl with him and sent it crashing to the floor, Fruity Pebbles and all.

"What the hell was that for you sonofabitch!" Fez cried out, looking at the remains of the cereal.

"No, I'm cereal- I mean serious." Donna started to crack up. That was pretty hysterical though.

"We all need to just get out of Point Place for a while, you know?" She asked as she sat next to Fez at the table.

"That's what this was all about? I'm having to clean up a cereal mess because you're asking if we should get out of Point Place? You lazy sonofabitch!" Fez snarled under the table as he finished cleaning up the cereal and milk.

"No, what I'm saying is… where should we go? I'll get a van we can take so we aren't so cramped."

"We could go to my home country of-"

"No, Fez, there's probably a disease that could kill all of us. How about California to Donnas' mom's place? So then we don't have to get a hotel room, plus we can tan as much as we want!" I said. I am _such _a genius.

"Hey, that's not such a bad idea Jackie!" Donna gave me a high- five and started to think of all the places we could hang out.

"But… when does Eric have to go back to Africa?" Fez asked, his smile vanished like a box of chocolates does when they cross Fez's path.

Donnas' did too. "Oh yeah… well this sucks! This whole trip was supposed to be about the whole gang together, and then Kelso will have to leave too! Growing up sucks." Donna cried out.

"Hey, you just leave those two to me. Now you go figure everything out for the trip girl, cause we're leaving tomorrow morning." I smiled at Donna.

"Jackie… what are you going to do?"

"You'll see… you'll see." This was going to be the best vacation… ever.

* * *

><p>"Hey Eric, are you in there?"<p>

Damn, how'd she find me?

"Um… no, it's just Kitty. I'm cleaning his room. Ahahaha!" I tried my best to imitate Kitty, but… it's just too hard!

"You better not be naked, cause I'm coming in."

Sure enough she strutted in like she owned the place. She looked around the walls before smiling at me. "Soooo, whatcha doin?" She asked nonchalantly.

"Getting ready to go back to Africa…" I said like it was a question. How could she not see the bags I was packing up?

"Oh, but didn't you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"That your plane got delayed. You're leaving tomorrow morning at six instead." She looked at my bags and tried to hide her frown at all the clothes she thought were ugly.

But really? I'm leaving tomorrow morning? This was _perfect_, I could stay another day with Donna and get to know each other better and what not. I didn't really want to leave so soon, but hey, I get another day in Point Place!

"Really?" I stopped packing my clothes and looked at Jackie. She looked really sincere; no funny business was going on. She nodded her head and gave me a smile. Plus, why would she be lying? Since when does she like me enough to lie about me leaving later?

"Yeah, so what are you going to do in your spare time? Catch up with Donna?" She asked like a five year old, then giggled.

"Get out of here." I snapped, and she immediately backed out of my room.

Wow, I could probably take her out to dinner, or make dinner, or go out on a romantic picnic tonight and freeze our butts off or…

The neighborhood looked a lot different at the top of the Foreman's house. It looked… whiter.

"Hey Kelso, before you jump off of the roof, Jackie wants to talk to you!" Hyde yelled at me from below. Hyde and Fez also looked a lot different at the top of the Foreman's house.

"Oooooh Michael." She said. I still had the hots for her and all that, but she was with Fez. I had to give my buddy a chance with her before I tried to move in on Jackie. Oh Kelso, shut up, you got a kid and you just got back together with Brooke. You are taken. Damn, Jackie looked a lot hotter at the top of the Foreman's house! Hey, I can see down her shirt!

"Hello Jackie." I said in my sexy voice. I knew she secretly liked when I did my sexy voice.

"Oh shut up Michael!" She yelled at me. "Besides, your boss just called. He said you don't have to leave for your job for another week!"

"Really?" Cool, I can hang out with the gang for another week!

"Yep! He said you've been working hard and so he went ahead and said to take another week off!"

"Well this is awesome! Hey, Jackie! Before you leave, watch this!"

* * *

><p>"Hehe, I cut a hole in his blanket." Fez whispered to me.<p>

I looked over at Fez and giggled. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we watched Michael put on his blue goggles. He launched himself in the air and spread the blanket above him, and sure enough, there was a huge hole in the center of the blanket. Michael hit the ground like he was holding an anvil instead of… oh my God, Eric's spider man sheets!

"OW! MY EYE!" Michael yelled when he hit the ground.

"That's what you get for stealing my Tootsie rolls you sonofabitch!" Fez yelled at him. Steven high- fived Fez in accomplishment then laughed together. I couldn't help but laugh anyway.

Donna came running out of the house with Eric following her around like a lost puppy (like he usually did) then looked at the ground.

"What the hell just happened?" She asked as Michael brushed off his pants.

"I just flew." Michael said. I had to keep laughing.

"Right into the ground!" I screamed in hysterics. Steven and Fez laughed at my joke. I looked up at Michael and saw him looking at the Spider- Man sheets.

"Oh, here's your sheets." He stuffed them into Eric's hands.

"What the hell man! These were available for a limited time!" He yelled at Michael. Donna laughed and high- fived Michael.

"So guys, who's pumped for Ca-"

I gave Donna the hardest Frog on her arm I would ever accomplish in my life. She snapped her head and stared at me. "Well OW!" She yelled, and then she punched me. I gave her my shut- up look, and she immediately got it.

"Pumped for what?" Eric asked, and then he saw me staring at Donna. Something in his head must've clicked because a great big smile grew on his face.

"Oh, you found out that my flight leaves tomorrow morning instead of tonight?" He gave Donna a great, big hug. She was looking at me while she was in Eric's skinny boy embrace.

"Oh my God you told him the flight was tomorrow?" She mouthed to me. I shrugged, and by the look on her face it looked like she was going to snap me in half, but I guess she remembered that we'd all be cruising to California tomorrow morning because of me. So she smiled and have me a thumbs up. I gave her a thumb up back.

Michael ran over to Eric and put his hands on his shoulders.

"You're leaving tomorrow instead? Well that's great! Because I found out my boss said I can leave next week instead of tomorrow! Dude, that's awesome! Hey, you're light enough… have you ever thought about flying?" Eric shook his head no while laughing, but when Michael saw that he shrugged and stated "Oh well, your loss."

Donna strutted over to me and dragged me into the garage while the guys played basketball. "Jackie, you're throwing their careers away! Kelso has a kid and Eric… well he's just gonna be screwed!"

"Donna, it's okay. There's probably a scholarship for skinny, dweeby guys out there." I said. Donna tried to hit me again but I grabbed her wrist. "Hey, we're all going to Cali because of me, so just… shut up."

Donna sighed but gave me a smirk. "You do know Kelso and Brooke are dating again, right?"

Oh crap. I had TOTALLY forgotten about Brooke and Kelso. Well, she should totally understand anyway. Right? Right.

* * *

><p>We were all in a circle. Me, Kelso, Fez, and Hyde. It was the first circle of the decade. I think I'm tearing up just thinking about it.<p>

"I am so glad I don't have to leave 'til tomorrow. Or else I'd be on a plane right now instead of bein' with you guys!" I cheered. I raised my Popsicle into the air; influencing the gang to raise theirs.

"Yeah, and being able to stay another full week is just so freakin' awesome!" Kelso screamed.

"Yeah, we can see Kelso jump off the roof seven more times." Hyde laughed.

"No, probably a lot more than that. Hey Eric, got anymore Spider- Man sheets?" Kelso asked me.

"No you dilhole, you used my limited edition ones!" I yelled at him.

"Well, we won't have to worry about that, because Kelso can jump off the roof at Midge's house when we get there and use her sheets." Fez said.

"Whoa, when were you guys going to California?" I asked.

"Ummmm, I don't know. Don't look at me."

"But Fez-"

"I said don't look at me!"

"Fez, what are you talking about?" I yelled at him.

"OKAY FINE JUST STOP YELLING AT ME!" He screamed. For a few seconds it was really quiet in the basement. It was probably the first time it was quiet in the circle.

"This morning Donna and Jackie and I were talking, and we decided to get the whole gang to California, so we could all be together. Donna went and rented a van for us too. And your flight back to Africa really was tonight." Fez sighed. He snuck a chocolate candy into his mouth.

So… I was supposed to be on my way to Africa? My. Whole. Career. Is. Gone. Are you kidding me? Jackie lied to me so we could just go to freaking California? I was going to kick her ass! The whole point for me teaching in Africa was so I could go to college for free and support Donna!

I got up from the table and started to pace around the room.

"Hey Eric, you just got screwed!" I heard Kelso laugh.

"Oh really? Well didn't Jackie tell you that your boss said you could stay for another week?"

"Yeah, but… AW CRAP!"

* * *

><p>We were sitting on the couch watching TV with Mrs. Foreman, and by we I mean Jackie and I. Back in 1976 I wouldn't <em>dream<em> watching TV with Jackie, but now… we're like sisters. I actually enjoy watching TV with her.

"WHAT THE HELL JACKIE?"

My heart skipped a beat, and I'm sure Jackie's did too. Eric (and I'm sure Kelso) found out. Oh no.

"Oh crap." I whispered to Jackie.

She looked at me like it wasn't a big deal. Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso came busting through that kitchen door like it was this great, big, heavy thing. Eric stood above Jackie and started to rat her out.

"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT MY FLIGHT WAS IN THE MORNING?"

"So we could go to California." Jackie said it like Eric was stupid. Well, he kind of was. Didn't Fez tell him?

"Well I'm glad you're happy! My whole career and education is down the freaking toilet! I spent more than half a year in Africa for nothing! The whole point of me teaching in Africa was so I could support Donna when we got married!"

Whoa. Too much. I guess I knew he went to Africa so we could get married and have money and all that.

"I'm happy." I said, sticking up for Jackie.

Everyone looked over at me. I'm sure Kitty was having a heart attack next to me, but I wasn't going to look at her right now.

"The whole point of going to California was so we could all catch up on old times and get to know each other again."

Since that came out of my mouth I'm sure Eric wasn't going to scream at me, but instead I was going to get one of his little lectures.

"But Donna," He pulled me off from the couch. I put my finger on his mouth so he could shut up and let me finish.

"We can just go to a community college for a year or two, then if we really want to we can go to Wisconsin State. Okay? Let's not get into a great, big, hissy fit right now. The big picture is we're going to get out of all this snow and spend a month in California. Or something like that." I smiled, and I could tell Eric was going to say something, but I wasn't really in the mood to keep talking, so I gave him a great big kiss on the lips. I always loved kissing Eric.

I heard Kitty get off the couch and go upstairs, but I didn't let go of Eric at all. He was going to sit here and kiss me until he learned to shut up!

"Hey, question. Am I going to California?"

I let go of Eric and looked at Hyde. I went over to him and lightly slapped his face. "Duh, Hyde! The whole point of the trip was so the gang, that includes you, could just hang out on the beach."

He kind of smiled, but I put my finger up. "But- only if you shave off that moustache. You'll look like a creeper in Cali."

"OH THANK GOD!"

I looked at Jackie who was laughing her butt off on the couch. Fez came over to Hyde and placed his arm around his neck. "Yes, please do."

Kelso and Eric just shook their heads, probably thanking Jackie and me for coming up for this marvelous plan. Now, all we need to do is to put this plan into action.


	2. Chapter 2: The Night Before And Day Of!

I could picture it already. My skin soaking in the warm, toasty rays of the sun on the beach; the sand covered my legs and feet like cat hair would on a crazy cat lady; the waves crashing onto the coast and would creep up to the tips of my feet before trickling back down to the ocean to meet the next on coming wave. The sounds of the radio would be in the background singing ABBA's Dancing Queen while Fez would rush over to me with a drink in a coconut shell with a pretty pink umbrella in it. Michael would be complimenting me on my luscious tan while Eric would be fanning me gently. Donna would be sitting next to me soaking the rays (She really needed to; that pale of a girl would NOT get any good looking guys) while Steven. Oh Steven… He would be rubbing my shoulders while smelling my Strawberry scented hair.

"Jackie, get up, I'm trying to watch the rest of Hawaii Five- O." Donna pushed my feet off the couch and sat down while eating popcorn.

"Hey, shouldn't you guys be packing your stuff into the van? We're leaving tomorrow morning you know."

"Yeah, we're all done packing. You just need to put your stuff in the back."

"But Fez said he was going to put them in for me."

"Well… that offer expired. So hurry up before a hobo takes it."

Well the nerve! I got up and stomped away angrily. I had _never_ put my own bags in a car before, not even when I'm at the mall; usually Fez puts them away for me. When I walked up the stairs I saw the most horrifying moment of my life. I felt my heart drop to my stomach like it was an anvil.

"Steven… whatcha doin' makin' out with a girl in front of the van?" I snapped.

"Making out with her?" He answered in a questioningly way. She pulled him closer to him to continue sucking his face but I stopped her before she could.

"Hey, you should probably get ready for tomorrow morning, because it's going to come bright and early!" I said, hinting the bitch to leave. I know I'm dating Fez, but a little part of me still feels like I own Steven.

"Oh, speaking of that, when should I come by tomorrow?" The girl asked, and then she flipped her blonde hair out of her face. Her brown eyes looked like pools of mud. I was saddened to notice Steven _still_ hadn't shaved his moustache.

"Wait, what do you mean?" I snarled.

"I'm coming with you guys. Right baby?" She snuggled her body closer to Steven, and I could feel my nails flexing themselves; I had to resist clawing her stupid blonde face off.

"No, you aren't! This is just for the gang, and last time I checked, you aren't! So get lost." I growled; I found myself scooting slowly over to Steven.

She looked up at him and sighed like I would do when I wanted Steven or Michael… or Fez… to buy me something. He looked at her, then back at me.

"Come on Jacks. Please? With sugar on top?"

"No, okay, no. This is just for you, me, Donna, Eric, Michael and Fez. You can kiss her whenever you want but this whole trip is about us. So… buzz off." I glared at the blonde. I guess she finally got it because she whispered good bye in his ear, but as she left she made sure to brush her hands slowly across his chest.

He looked at me and smiled. "You're jealous."

How'd he know? "What are you talking about?" I gave him the crazy look as I threw my bags in the van. It was the same year as Kelso's VW, but this one was yellow and white instead. The shag carpet inside was yellow too. It was like a little ball of sunshine that was drivable.

"You're jealous I'm with Bridgette." Okay, fine, whatever. I decided to use the Zen Steven taught me back when Michael and I were still dating.

"Whatever." Whoa, I even had the same tone of voice I used back in my training.

Steven smiled and stroked his moustache for a quick second. I was afraid it was going to fly off his face and attack me.

"So, you are jealous."

"That's cool." I stared at him. What are you going to say now, huh? But he wrapped his hands around my waste and pulled me closely. Damn it! I was with Fez! You can't be doing this to me Steven!

"Get off of me!" I snarled and pushed away from him. He watched me as I pushed myself onto the bumper of the van.

"I'm with Fez Steven. You lost me, and you can't ever have me back!" I smiled at him like a five year old would do when competing with another five year old; The old "haha you loose I win" look.

Before I could reveal anymore I ran back into the basement and sat next to Donna. "Hyde thought about bringing his girlfriend." I snarled.

"What'd you do?" She faced me and was clearly paying attention.

"I told her to get lost because she was a major skankoid."

"No you didn't."

"…So? Well… I told her to get lost!"

"Now THAT I believe." She laughed, but then I just _had _to blurt it out.

"Oh my God Donna I still have feelings for Steven!" I clamped my hands over my mouth and stared at her in disbelief that those words came out of my mouth. Her mouth dropped open but it slowly curled into a smile.

"It's going to be a really long car ride to California." She laughed. I threw my head back and let out a loud groan. She was right; it was going to be a _very_ long car ride.

* * *

><p>"Well Kitty, we're going to have a whole month of peace… and quiet."<p>

"Excuse me?" I quit mixing the cookie dough and turned and faced Red. The smile on his face was the brightest I had seen in a while. He wrapped his hands around my waist and gave me a great big kiss.

"I thought they were going to be gone for a week!" I cried out. No, they couldn't be. I won't have Fez to talk to about his man problems, or Jackie talking her boyfriend problems, Donna to laugh with and bring up memories of Eric, or Steven to baby. All I would have was Red, and after a few days alone with him I'm ready to jump out the second story window!

"Well, that's what they're planning, but those dumbasses think it's going to be a one- day trip to get there! But no! It's five whole days, and with a dumbass like Kelso doing dumbass things in the back, it'll probably take a week! It'll take two weeks for them to- and- from, and then they'll probably stay there for a week and a half!" He laughed hysterically before he went to crack open a beer.

I felt my heart melt inside. Red was most likely right. But I can't live a whole month alone with Red! Well, maybe it _could_ be romantic. And we haven't been alone in almost twenty years! Except that time we went ice fishing together… that was a living hell. (Forgive me) There was also that one time we got a hotel, but Donna and Eric ruined THAT weekend!

"Oh, okay, um… I guess I'll have to bake more cookies then!" I smiled before giving Red a great big kiss from me. I looked at the clock. It was seven thirty, I still had time.

* * *

><p>"Brooke, I'm telling you the truth! Eric drove the car right off of Mount Hump again! I'M NOT LYING! Okay. I'll call you. Love you baby." He gave a kiss into the phone and hung up. Kelso was such a bad liar. Can someone tell me <em>why<em> Brooke is dating Kelso again? She WAS the valedictorian, wasn't she? Yes, yes she was, and last time I checked wasn't Kelso a dumbass? Yes, yes he was. BUT, I guess Kelso would be a cool dad. He's still acts like a kid, so kids probably think he's cool and all that.

But can you believe it? Jackie actually still likes Hyde. C'mon, she's with Fez for crying out loud! What happened to "He's the perfect man for me"? Is Fez just a guy Jackie's dating to get her mind off of Hyde? Oh my God I am so smart! She probably IS using Fez! Aw, poor Fez!

Eric came downstairs and cuddled up on my lap. "Tell me I'm pretty." He asked, and then flipped his hair around like a girl. I laughed and gave him a kiss.

"Eww, nasty! Go kiss somewhere where people WON'T be grossed out!" Jackie cried. I looked over at her and smiled. I knew she still liked Hyde, and I wasn't afraid to tell the whole gang. Well, everyone that was down here, which was just Eric and Kelso. But Kelso would totally go burn Fez with it later.

I guess she knew what I was smiling about so she just continued watching TV.

Well, speak of the devil. The basement door that lead outside flung open and Hyde and Fez walked in. "Hello my lovelies." Fez said. I pushed Eric off of me and he sat next to me with his arm still wrapped around my back.

Hyde rolled his eyes as he sat down in his white chair and cracked open a beer and casually sipped it. Fez sat on Jackie's lap like Eric had just done, but Jackie pushed him off onto the floor.

"What the hell was that for?" Fez asked as he brushed off the back of his pants while getting up.

"Fez, guys don't sit on girl's laps. GIRLS sit on GUYS' laps, but not the other way around. That's just creepy." She snapped.

"But Eric sat on Donnas' lap."

"Exactly. A GIRL sat on a GUY'S lap." She laughed at her own joke, but I flicked her forehead. "OW! Watch it you lumberjack!" She cried out.

Hyde laughed and said "Good one."

Jackie tried to hide her smile, but this was really the worst job she had done to hide anything.

* * *

><p>"Okay you losers, I'm going to bed." I said, leaving Kelso asleep in the lawn chair, drooling. Donna was asleep on Eric, who was asleep too, and then it was just Jackie and Fez, who were most likely going to camp out in the basement.<p>

I crawled into my dark, cold bed and snuggled into it; trying to find a comfy place for my head but also a cushy place for my body. Finally, I found it after about ten minutes of moving side to side. My leg hung off the bed while I was on my stomach like a baby. Now I just needed to think myself to sleep.

This is why I did not like serious relationships, like the one I had with Jackie. I end up STILL having feelings for her, and clearly she still has feelings for me. But what am I supposed to do? She was with Fez, who was her foreign love boy. Damn, Jackie and Fez… I still can't see it, even when I think about last night when the ball in Times Square dropped and they kissed, it still seems fake.

But Jackie was pretty cool when she started to act all Zen. It failed, but it was pretty freakin' hot. C'mon, you have to agree with me.

Okay, I couldn't think of Jackie. That made me feel soft, like Foreman. I looked at the Lavender candle that was on the nightstand. I went out and bought it after Jackie took down the twinkle lights and pink stuff when she redecorated my room. It smelled super good. It made me high in my own way. Mmmm. Lavender.

I was pretty psyched about California (Yes, finally something better to think about). I don't think I've ever been there, unless you count those dreams I had with Kelso when we were looking at Playboys back in high school. Then yes, I've been there.

I overheard Red talking to Kitty upstairs earlier, and I have to agree with them; we probably will be there for about a month, but it's going to be a pretty good month! The ride there is always the most fun, especially with friends. And it's also going… to be… fun… cause…mmmmm. Toasty…

* * *

><p>"WAKE UP IT'S SIX THIRTY!"<p>

"KELSO, I WAS SLEEPING YOU SONOFABITCH!" I yelled at Kelso. Did he not see me? I _need _my beauty sleep if I want to look super hot for Jackie. Or any other sexy woman that comes to the little country I like to call Fez.

"But we're going to California man! AND THERE'S GOING TO BE HOT CHICKS MAN!"

Oh my God. How could I have been so blind?

"I'm sorry Kelso… let's get our asses on the road!"

"What are you guys yelling about?"

Donna and Eric and Jackie started to wake up. They rubbed their eyes and all that before they realized it was Kelso doing all the yelling. Jackie looked at Kelso before growling "Michael, shut up!" She said it in her tired voice.

"We have to get our asses on the road people! California is waiting!" I snapped at her. She looked at me like she just realized I was right. She smiled and got off the couch.

"He's right Donna, get your lazy butt off the couch! We gotta get going!" She laughed. Donna giggled as she ran outside with Jackie. Hyde walked into the room, already had his glasses on and had a KISS shirt on with jeans- his usual. But something seemed different about him. But I couldn't put my finger on it. He motioned Kelso to go get Eric, while he and I went outside with the rest of the gang.

"So, who's driving first?" Jackie asked as she sat inside the van, filing her nails.

"Well, not I, since I will be making out with Jackie the whole time." I laughed. She smiled at me but kept filing her nails.

"How about Kelso, I mean he did drive me to California last time." Donna said as Kelso and Eric walked outside with Kitty hot on their heels with two bagfuls of cookies with a basket full of sandwiches and demanding Eric to call her the minute we get there.

"Aw, come on guys, how about Eric? He's used to driving us!" Kelso snorted while he leaned on the van. Eric shook his head and threw the keys at Kelso. "FIIIIIINE. DAMN IT." Kelso sighed as he got into the driver's seat.

I hugged Mrs. Foreman good- bye (ooooh, good perfume choice Mrs. Foreman!) before climbing into the van next to Jackie. Eric and Donna did the same and followed me in. Hyde jumped in the back with us (but after kissing Mrs. Foreman good- bye. You know… a mother- son kiss. Get your head out of the gutter!). I heard Kelso turn the ignition on and the bus purred to life. Good- bye Point Place, hello California.

* * *

><p>When the car started Kelso realized he forgot something stupid, probably a bouncy ball. I looked across to see Steven. I couldn't help but blush.<p>

"Steven, you shaved your moustache!" I giggled before batting my eyelashes. Everyone turned their heads to look at Steven. I wasn't lying; he really did shave off that caterpillar- looking moustache. And he looked pretty hot.

He smiled when Donna started acting sexy towards him, just playing, you know? "Oh Steven, you look so… hot. I… I want you. I need you." But she barely finished the last statement before she and Eric howled in laughter and scooted over a little while they cuddled.

Donna (earlier) had put the two back seats down, so we could goof around like we usually did (Good thinking). It was so spacey.

"Sorry, I forgot," He raised his hand to show us a paddle ball. "My paddle ball." He climbed back in and started up the van. And off we went, DAY 1 of our adventure to California.


	3. Chapter 3: Day 1: Great, Road Trip

"Are we there yet?"

"God Jackie, shut up! That's like the tenth time you've asked in five minutes! We aren't even thirty minutes out of Point Place yet, so just shut up." Steven yelled at me. I rolled my eyes at him before looking through my Cosmo again- I think I've memorized every page in this in the past thirty minutes. I felt Fez swing his arm around my neck. I looked at him and smiled, which I guess he took as a cue to stick his tongue down my throat. Let me tell you, Fez's kisses are HAWT. They get better and better every time. Even though they were SUPER hot, they weren't like kissing Steven.

Why do I find Steven hot? I mean, he _cheated _on me because he though I was cheating on him! You know what; I just have to get over him. That's right; I'll just think bad things about him until we get back to Wisconsin! Yeah Steven, those glasses, they are so ugly. And that shirt? Even uglier. But the shirt hugs your body so perfectly and- JACKIE, YA GOTTA SHUT UP!

I pushed Fez away lightly before giggling "Oh Fez, your kisses are _so _hot."

"Not as hot as you honey bunch."

I patted his leg and crawled over to Donna. She and Eric were busy getting caught up. And I mean it. They just kept talking about Randy (Oh my God… RANDY!) joining the gang, and Africa, and how Point Place changed, and Africa, and so on.

"Donna, we totally forgot about Randy!" I giggled. She and Steven laughed hysterically. "Don't worry," She coughed after getting the laughs out, "I took care of it."

* * *

><p>"Hello?" I stepped into the basement and looked around. Not a soul was around. Well, they were bound to be back soon, right?<p>

I sat on the couch after brushing my hair out of my face. The TV wasn't even on. Dang, they must've gone somewhere and totally forgot about me. But that's weird, cause I'm always with them. But if I am alone, we will eventually catch up on our lives when they come back from wherever they went. But usually, someone was here. Mmm. I smell cookies.

After about thirty seconds I got bored. "I guess I'll have a little TV time" I said to myself. Talking to yourself was one of the five steps to admitting you are going psychotic.

When I grabbed the knob to the TV I noticed a piece of paper that wasn't on the TV before.

_Randy_. Hey, that's me!

I took it back to the lawn chair and read it instead of turning on the TV.

_Hey Randy. Happy New Year! I hope yours was just as fun and cool as mine. Eric came back and it was all a great big reunion. Kelso came back too, so THAT was an experience._

_Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why you are sitting in the basement alone with the smell of cookies (Sorry, there are no cookies, we took them). Eric and I took Kelso's car and drove it off of Mount Hump again. Don't ask me how it happened._

_Okay, continuing the story, we're going to Hyde's cousin's house, cause apparently he has a boatload of used cars he's willing to give Kelso a deal on. So, I'll make sure to say hi when we're back in town. We may be gone for about half the week, but no more than that. Okay… um… bye! _

_Donna_

* * *

><p>"Are we there yet?"<p>

"JACKIE! SHUT UP!" Everyone yelled at the same time. I threw my fists at the ground and snarled "Well I'm bored!"

I decided to look out the window to get my mind off of everything. Corn, corn, corn, corn- Oh! Change up! Soy beans, soy beans soy beans, corn, corn-

"So what'd you tell Randy?" Hyde asked.

"I told him we went to your cousin's to get Kelso a new car."

"Nice." He gave me a high five before grabbing a hand full of M&M's Fez brought. That was pretty much all Fez brought with him. A _bag_ full of candy and maybe a few outfits he put together with Jackie, but that was all.

Jackie sighed before jumping up front with Kelso. Dang, I don't think they've been alone since they broke up! I guess they've finally decided to get over the break up and just be friends.

* * *

><p><em>Don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs<em>. I said to myself. I've been driving for the past thirty minutes, and all I've seen was corn and farms and snow, and I'm pretty sick of it. Why did Jackie come up here and sit next to me? She knows that I don't listen to her!

_Don't touch her boobs, don't touch her boobs._ I said to myself.

* * *

><p>I'm pretty glad Fez brought M&amp;M's. They don't melt in my hands, only in my mouth, so no mess! Which means I won't have to pay money to get the carpet cleaned or anything! I just hope Kelso doesn't smear ketchup all over himself to scare us. You know, so he looks like he's been stabbed or something a first grader would do. You can count on me to kick his ass! Red may not keep his ass-kicking promises, but trust me; I'll keep this one for sure!<p>

"Okay, guys, we're in Illinois! Home of the most annoying people in the United States!" Kelso yelled from the front seat.

"Kelso, what are you talking about?" I asked. Where did he get the idea that the most annoying people lived here?

"You know, Ill-annoy? Yeah, there is no other reason to name it that. You guys should've paid more attention to History back in high school." Kelso said.

We all rolled our eyes at that comment. Only Kelso would think of that… only Kelso.

"Hey, Kelso, turn up the radio." Fez demanded. Kelso gave Fez a "What a great idea!" look and cranked it up. This was going to be a pretty awesome car ride.

Fez grabbed Jackie and pulled her into the back before singing the most awkwardest (Is that even a word? Well, for this situation, it is) in the 70's.

"If you want my body and you think I'm sexy," Fez sang while rubbing his chest through his shirt. Jackie was trying to hide her laughter, but tears were streaming down her face she was laughing so hard. Hyde was pointing and laughing at Fez while Kelso (I'm amazed we are still alive today) had _turned around_, and let me remind you, he was driving at the time, and was _watching _Fez. "YEAH BUDDY!" Kelso screamed. I slapped his face to remind him he was at the wheel.

"come on, sugar, let me know if you really need me just reach out and touch me," Fez flipped his hair and tried his hardest to look sexy. I didn't even know I was laughing until I clutched my stomach from the pain from laughing so much. Eric was holding his head from laughing. And I'm sorry, but Fez sang this song so much better than Rod Stewart if I say so myself. "Kelso, for the love of God, CHANGE THE STATION!" Hyde screamed.

"Dancing Queen, young and-"

"Change it!"

"But Steven-"

"Shut up Jackie, change it Kelso!"

"If you like Pina Coladas,"

"Kelso-"

"UhaaaaaaahAh! UhaaaaaaahAH!" Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song screamed out, piercing everyone's ears. We all covered our ears until Kelso was able to turn it down.

"Muuuuuuuch better." Hyde sighed with content.

* * *

><p>"Okay guys, get whatever you're craving for, cause we probably won't stop until nine tonight." Kelso asked all of us as we pulled up into a McDonald's drive- thru.<p>

"I'll just have a large order of fries and a medium coke Kelso." Donna said while flipping through Jackie's magazines.

"Hyde and I will take a Big Mac with a medium coke. And some fries!" Eric yelled.

"Eric, that's a big risk, can you handle it?" I asked. Damn, since when did Eric eat Big Mac's?

"I will have a vanilla sundae and medium fries." Fez said as he glared at the menu.

"Jackie, what about you?" Kelso asked.

"I'm not eating here. How do you think I stay so skinny?" She snapped at him. I shook my head sadly before trying to complete the puzzle Fez, Eric and I had started maybe an hour ago. It was 500 pieces, and was a picture of The Village People. It was actually pretty fun; even though Fez kept stuffing the wrong pieces into the wrong places.

I never told anyone else this, but my favorite smell (besides my Lavender candle) is the smell of McDonalds fries. You can smell the salt, the grease, and the potatoes, and that is all you can smell in the car for maybe a month. And if you're really lucky, maybe two.

"Okay, can someone else drive, my eyes are starting to hurt." Kelso asked as he pulled over into a McDonald's parking space. No one budged. I was, but… I want to enjoy my fries in peace. But… I get to control the radio.

"Okay." I pushed Kelso into the back and took control with my fries and Big Mac in hand. I peeled out of that parking lot, and I took pride when I heard everyone hit the side of the van every time I turned a corner until we got back onto the highway.

* * *

><p>My eyes weren't really hurting. I just wanted to chill in the back of the van while eating my fries. Plus, my hands get really sweaty after holding something for a while.<p>

"Sooooo ladies. Didja miss me?" I asked.

"No." Donna and Jackie said at the same time. I knew they did. I am totally irresistible. That means that girls can't resist my handsomeness and my charm.

"Oooooh, okay." I winked at them but they ignored me. They really meant that they missed me, but they didn't want to say it in front of Fez or Eric.

Jackie had started to paint her nails with a pink that matched her bags. Even when the van went over a bump her hands were still perfectly still; not messing up the pink nail polish. She blew over her nails before looking at Donnas' nails.

"Ugh, Donna, your nails! Come here, we need to paint them." She groaned. She patted next to her, signaling Donna to sit next to her.

"Um… no thanks." Donna rolled her eyes and ate the last of her fries.

"You can paint my nails. I know it's really stupid, but… I think it'll bring out my hotness. Don't you think so… Jackie?" I asked. I wanted to get on Jackie's good side. Yeah, she was dating Fez and all that, but I know she secretly wants me. I am totally irresistible.

Jackie gave me a look like I had just asked her if she was wearing last season's clothes. She shook her head at me then crawled with her hands in the air over to Donna in the corner. I crawled over to Eric and Fez and helped them with the puzzle.

* * *

><p>"Hey Steven, can you change the radio station? I'm not really into-"<p>

"No."

"But Steven-"

"No."

I growled "I can't believe I _dated _him. I can't believe I _liked _him!"

Donna looked at me and giggled. "So, what, you don't like him anymore?"

"Of course not! He is mean and doesn't care about anyone but himself."

"So Hyde isn't in your little fairy tale fantasies anymore?"

"Donna, you are _sick_." She snickered before rolling her eyes at me. I smacked her shoulder playfully. Quickly I looked at my nails. Thank God I didn't ruin them- they would look horrible on me if they were all chipped while I would be walking on the beach with my pink bikini- chipped nails are SO not cool. They look like… ugh I don't even _want _to imagine it.

"What are you guys talking about back there? I thought I heard my name." Steven asked from up front.

"Um… we weren't talking about you-"

"We were talking about how mean you are. We just wanted to listen to some good music." I interrupted Donna and made sure to sound criticizing. Steven was being mean.

"Oh, and that crappy Disco music is good? Over my dead body." Steven snapped while tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to KISS. Sure, KISS is a good band, but only if you're in the circle. And I mean ONLY.

* * *

><p>Jackie had fallen asleep on my shoulder about an hour ago. You wouldn't believe this, but her head is <em>really <em>heavy.

"Hey Fez, take your girlfriend." I pointed at her, but he shook his head and whispered "I'm trying to finish the puzzle Donna."

"You guys have been trying to finish that puzzle for like, what, three hours now? Just take Jackie Fez." I sort of pushed Jackie towards Fez, and he grabbed her gently. She is a really deep sleeper. I guess you have to be if you listen to ABBA at the highest volume so the bed vibrates you gently to sleep. That is one reason why I'm glad she moved out of my room.

Eric crawled over next to me and grabbed my soda. "Are you going to drink the rest of this?" He asked. I shook my head no. I really was going to drink it, but I didn't want to say no and look like a jerk. I think a little part of me died when I heard the last slurping of the soda.

"Thanks." He set it down before smiling at me. "What?" I chuckled.

"I knew you were really going to finish that." We both laughed before we cuddled up and fell asleep.

* * *

><p>Everyone was asleep by five o'clock- except Fez. Jackie was the first to crash on Donna, then Donna and Eric fell asleep being all lovey and that crap. Kelso fell asleep while searching through everyone's McDonalds bags for some French fries. I inhaled deeply and smiled- French fries.<p>

Fez climbed up front with me. "I spy something… blue." He said.

"The sky." I growled.

"Ooooh. You're good. I spy something… green."

"The car in front of us." Fez always chose colors that were obvious.

"Okay, now you are just showing off." He snapped then grabbed a Rubix cube from Kelso's bag and played with it. Before five minutes was up he tossed it into the back before growling "That puzzle is impossible."

"Hey, who threw that?" Kelso got up and climbed in between Fez and I.

"Hyde did." Fez immediately blamed me.

"No, Fez did." I shot right back at him.

"Shut up you sonofabitch." Fez snapped. Kelso pointed off to the side of the road and said "How about we pull over for the night? I'm tired."

"Yeah, you only drove for maybe four hours. You must be exhausted." I snickered, but I drove the van towards the exit anyway.

The road, and I have to admit, looked a lot creepier than it did back on the highway. It was just a gravel road with dust still floating in the air from when the last car drove on it, but other than the road was just really tall grass bending over in the direction the wind was headed.

"Okay stupid, where are we going to park the car to sleep? We should just keep going on the highway." I snapped at Kelso.

"No, I saw a hotel back on the road. Just go to the right and drive a little bit longer." Kelso said.

I must've been smelling those fries for too long, because I actually did what Kelso wanted me to.

The van headed into the direction the dust was. Little pebbles were hitting the windshield and under the van, making little ping sounds. After about three minutes I snapped at Kelso "Okay stupid, where is this hotel you have been talking about?"

"No, seriously man, I saw it."

Sure enough, after he said that a crappy little motel popped up on the right side of the gravel road. I pulled into it and stopped the van in a parking space. There was only a few other cars. I blared the horn to wake everyone up. Fez shot up and hit his head on the ceiling while Kelso fell backwards. Jackie screamed like a girl while Donna and Eric just rubbed their eyes and looked around. "We're here." I said.

* * *

><p>When everyone got situated the van looked like this: Donna and Eric asleep next to each other, Fez and I were cuddled next to each other, then Kelso and Hyde got their own seats in the front.<p>

I was still pumped for the trip. I wanted the van to keep moving. I didn't want to stop and just sleep. I had slept for almost half the day and I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed. I don't want to go to sleep.

The smell of the French fries that were embedded into the van made me hungry. I rolled my eyes at myself before rolling over and closed my eyes.

How could I have ever liked Steven? He was so… weird. I mean, c'mon, wearing glasses all the time? Not cool, and wearing those concert t-shirts? LAME. Yeah, how could I have liked Steven? Ugh, Nasty.

I smiled to myself as I dozed off. Today was the end of DAY 1 of our incredible journey. If I was already having this much fun, imagine when the vacation actually starts.

* * *

><p><em>Okay, so how do you like the story so far? I know, I know, it's alllllll wild and all that good stuff. I'm trying to type a story at least oncetwice a week, and I'm glad people are liking my stories! If you have any ideas, email me! :) Please review, don't be afraid! AND MENTION MY STORY TO YOUR FRIENDS! :D_


	4. Chapter 4: Day 2: Great Idea Kelso

I woke up in the middle of the night and looked around. My heart jumped into my throat. There was no light. Where was my night light? I know, I know, but when you're living in Fez's apartment, you kind of need one.

I got up and tripped over a body pillow.

"Ow, what the hell Jackie?"

Oh yeah, I forgot we were in the van out in the middle of nowhere.

"Sorry!" I whispered.

"God, will you both just shut up?" Steven snapped at us from up front.

"Shut up Steven, it's dark and I can't see!" I snapped right back at him. I could see his curly hair move in the front seat as I sat down next to Donna. It was quiet for a few seconds as everyone started to fall back asleep.

"I'm hungry." I cried out.

"Jackie, SHUT UP!" Steven howled.

"Well I'm hungry!"

"Well we stopped at McDonald's and you didn't want anything, so that's your own fault." He yelled at me.

"But Steven-"

"If I go get you something, will you just shut up?" Eric mumbled from beneath some blanket. I shrugged before saying "I guess."

Immediately Steven jumped into the back and tossed the keys where Eric's head was under the covers. Eric climbed out of the covers with his hair all messed up and grabbed the keys into his boney fingers.

"Aw, you're so sweet." Donna kissed Eric on the cheek and decided to follow him up front. Michael came into the back, and that's when I realized I was the only girl in the back- I was getting the hell out of there. I jumped up front and sat next to Donna.

"Okay, we'll go to McDonalds, maybe they'll have the breakfast-"

"No McDonalds. That is so gross." I growled. No, I am not going to get McDonalds breakfast. That's like… eating Pancakes in the car. You don't do that. That's something fat people do. Not Jackie Burkhart. Not Me.

"Then that sucks for you, because we're so going to McDonalds. I haven't been up early enough for McD's breakfast… ever!" Michael yelled from up front.

I groaned and leaned my head against the window. "FIIIIIINE!" I moaned. I don't think I have ever given in. Usually it's the guys that give in to me. Not vice versa. Huh, what does vice versa mean? I've only heard it in like movies when people-

It was quiet in the car as the car roared to life. I looked at my watch for the time. Was it really six in the morning? Dang! I guess time flies when you're out in hillbilly country.

* * *

><p>I looked over at Eric. I am so happy we got back together; I couldn't stay made at his cute little face! God, I sound like Jackie when she was with Kelso, you know, all lovey dovey… and she was that way with Hyde when she had a crush on him.<p>

Jackie was sitting next to me trying to be pitied. She kept letting out these loud, obvious sighs, but no one paid attention- we were all excited for the pancakes.

When we pulled out of the drive through Eric pulled into a parking space so we could all eat peacefully.

"Hey, does anyone have any money? I only have twenty bucks left."

I think that's when reality set in.

"Wait, I thought you were bringing all the money." Hyde asked as he cut into the pancakes that were drenched in syrup.

Eric shook his head no, and Fez had no clue what was going on. He had asked for six syrup packets and completely soaked the pancakes.

"I brought eighty bucks." I sniffled.

"Okay, so we have one hundred dollars so far, Kelso, how about you?"

"I had fifty dollars, but Fez and I split it. I bought my paddle ball (he lifted up a broken paddle ball) and some books."

"Kelso? Books?"

"Oh, by books, I meant playboys."

I love my friends.

"Fez, what about you?"

"I spent it all on candy." He said, motioning to his suitcase. We all were starting to freak out a bit. How were all six of us supposed to get to California, when we were only in Missouri? We had three- maybe four- more days before we get to California, and probably five to get to my mom's house. We had to worry about gas and food and what not, and we only have one- hundred dollars? You have got to be kidding me.

"Jackie, what do you have?" I asked. I looked at her and couldn't help but chuckle when I saw her just staring at her pancakes. She looked at me then rolled her eyes.

"It's none of your business you lumber jack!" She hissed.

"Jackie, we have no money." I snapped right back at her.

"I have one hundred and seventy… two dollars. But it's all for souvenirs!"

"Think about it Jackie, if we don't have money, we can't even go to California!"

She sighed before giving me her money out of her purse. She took a bite out of her pancake and tried to put on a disgusted look, but I could tell she liked it- because she immediately took another bite.

"DONE!" Fez screamed in the back of the car. I turned around to see Fez look like a two year old that had just taken a bath in syrup. There was syrup dripping from his chin and his fingers were all sticky. Only I could love my friends… only I.

* * *

><p>Okay, we had two hundred and seventy- two dollars. That's not so bad… is it? Well, only if you're counting all the stuff we need <em>on the way<em> to California, like Donna is. But we need food and gas and probably souvenirs while we're in California and on our way back to Point Place. We'll need a boat load more of money.

"I need to go to the restroom!" Jackie cried out.

"Jackie, just go in a bottle like Hyde, Fez, and I are doing back here." Kelso said.

"HEY! You better not get anything on that carpet, because I will kick all of your sorry asses!" Donna screamed.

"EEEEEW!" Jackie cried.

"WILL ALL OF YOU GUYS JUST SHUT UP?" I yelled while concentrating on the highway in front of me. You wouldn't believe how many crazy drivers are in Missouri. You can't be yelling at the morons in the back of the car while trying to drive like you're sane.

"Eric, can you _please_ pull over to like a rest stop or something, because I am NOT going to pee in a bottle." Jackie cried.

I tried to ignore her- I really did. I turned on the radio and I a little part of me died inside when ABBA was on the radio- and I left it there. But I did remember Jackie liked ABBA. So maybe that would shut her up.

See, when I was in Africa, I didn't have to deal with all this; they just let me be. I didn't have Jackie complaining about McDonald's breakfast, or Kelso to rip my spider- man sheets, or Fez to make every moment a touch more awkward or creepy, or Hyde to push us a little further to break the law, or Donna to make every moment a little prettier. I really missed the gang in Africa. I really did. And now that I'm back with the gang, I don't think I would ever leave them again. Shut up Eric, you sound like a girl. I smiled, thinking that's what Hyde would say if I had all this down on paper.

* * *

><p>Is it just me, or has Jackie gotten even <em>more <em>annoying? Yeah, I know, two days ago I couldn't go to sleep because I was thinking about her, but now that I have learned that she doesn't like McDonalds… I lost a lost of respect for her. C'mon, you are not American if you don't like McDonalds.

"Eric, pleeeeeease, I neeeeed to pull over! Donna, tell him!" She cried out.

"Jackie, you're just gonna have to cool it, okay?" Donna snapped right back at her.

"Hey Jackie," I yelled to her. "Just don't think of the soothing sounds of waterfalls, or rain, or water, or a tinkling sound. Oh, and don't think of warm-"

"GOD I HATE YOU HYDE!" Jackie screamed.

Kelso high- fived me. This was definitely making the trip more fun.

"Eric, now we really do gotta stop!" Jackie sniffled.

"Jackie, now we really do gotta keep going!" Eric back- sassed her like a girl.

She groaned and sat back into the seat. We all got a little excited when we saw the "Now Leaving Missouri", then a few seconds later "Welcome to Kansas."

"Kansas? Seriously, we're in Kansas? C'mon, isn't this where Hillbillies live- gah-ross!" Jackie groaned.

"Ooooh, Kansas? I want to see a Llama." Fez said from the corner of the van. Only Fez… Only Fez.

"Dude, I wanna go see some cowgirls! They are FREAKIN' HOT!" Kelso yelled. I have to admit, they are pretty hot… well, in Playboys they are… I don't know about real life.

"Okay, NOW can we go to the bathroom?" Jackie sighed.

"No. And besides, I know a great place we could go visit. It's just a few miles up the road. Donna and I stopped by here when we were going through. I'll tell you when to turn." Kelso said as he leaned up front to direct Eric.

"Eric, for the love of God, DON'T. LISTEN."

* * *

><p>"Eric, I told you not to listen!" Donna groaned. Damn, Donna, how much ruder could you get?<p>

"I, am so sorry." Eric sighed. C'mon, I thought this little farm was totally cool. I mean there were dogs that just ran loose. I thought they were pretty cute jumpin' on the van trying to get in with their teeth showing and growling. Yes, I see you guys out there, begging for attention.

Plus, you could ride the Llamas! HOW COOL WAS THAT?

The only crappy thing about the farm was that while you're driving, you don't see this HUGE, muddy hole. That's where we got our van stuck when Donna and I were on our way to California.

"Come on guys, just let me go out there."

"No Kelso, we don't need to go to a hospital to get your butt stitched back up and get a round of rabies shots." Donna snapped at me.

"Damn Donna, why do you have to be so safe?" I yelled at her.

"Okay, how are we going to get the van-"

I didn't hear the rest of the conversation, because I opened the van doors, and I jumped. I jumped like I did with Eric's spider- man sheets.

* * *

><p>I was sitting in the back looking through Jackie's make up bag, smelling her luscious lip balm. She had Cherry, Cotton Candy (It tasted especially good on her lips. Next time you make out, buy your girlfriend this. Or, if you have a boyfriend… still buy him some.), Watermelon, Vanilla, Mango, Wild Raspberry, Tropical Punch, Kiwi and Strawberry. I was smelling the Cotton Candy one… and it accidently got on my lips… when the van door opened.<p>

I turned around to see Kelso dive into a group of dogs.

"What the hell?" Donna yelled as we all herded over to the windows to watch Kelso get mauled by the dogs. We could barely see Kelso's red shirt and jeans through the herd.

"Fez, what the hell?" Hyde asked and turned to look at me.

"Fez, have you been going through my Lip Smackers?" Jackie cried as she climbed into the back.

"…No." I lied. C'mon, would you tell someone you were putting on their lip balm- I mean would you tell someone you were smelling their lip balm?

"Fez, EWW!" Jackie cried out and immediately went through her make up box. She smelled the Cotton Candy lip smacker before she smacked me upside the head.

"Now I'm going to have to throw this away because it smells like Fez instead of Cotton Candy!" She cried out.

I looked back outside to watch the Kelso and the dogs' scene.

"Oh my god." Donna whispered.

Instead of seeing Kelso get mauled I saw him playing with the dogs. Seriously? Kelso is one lucky sonofabitch.

* * *

><p>Michael wasn't fighting for his life, he was <em>playing<em> with the dogs. They were wagging their tails and barking playfully while he razzled them. Yes, you heard me right; he was PLAYING with the dogs that looked like they could rip off your head just for looking at them. They were licking his face and rolling over on their back.

I didn't dare open those doors though. The last thing I would want was to end up in the hospital in the middle of Kansas. That would not be a good result. I mean hill- billies putting you back together? Those hill- billies putting back together my beautiful face would- I don't even want to picture it.

"Fez, what are you doing?" I asked. Fez opened the door to the van and jumped down. I tried grabbing his shoulder but I just clawed at the shirt. He tip- toed around the group of dogs who were distracted by Michael. Huh, I guess Kelso is good for something. That's not something you say everyday.

Fez waved us over. I looked at Donna and she looked at me. She looked a lot more pail with her blonde hair.

"See you losers later, I'm getting out." Steven climbed out of the van and walked around the dogs as though he was walking around a box full of kittens. He sat there with his thumbs in his pockets and his hands hanging out- that's Steven for ya, trying to be all cool.

"I'm going to leave Jackie." Donna slid out of the van and started to walk over.

"Wait, Donna." I whimpered.

She turned around and listened.

"Can you carry me? Please?" I asked her. Donna rolled her eyes before chuckling at me and just kept walking.

"Fine, FINE! BE THAT WAY YOU… YOU… LUMBERJACK!" I cried out. Eric stepped out, but I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

"You are NOT going to leave me Eric. Either you have to stay here with me or you are going to carry me. I am not going to go to the hospital."

Eric looked at Donna, who was silently shaking her head.

"Fine, I'll piggy- back you over there." He bent down for a few seconds while I climbed on. This was so not how a guy carries a girl. He is supposed to sweep you up into his arms romantically, then the girl is supposed to swing her arms around his neck romantically, then they go off into the sunset romantically.

"Be careful for the puddle of mud!" Donna warned Eric.

"Donna, come on, it's Eric you're talking about, I'm as careful as Luke Skywalker was when-

While Eric was talking a dog jumped out in front of him. His large tail swung side to side while his tongue hung out, obviously wanting to play. The black dog gave out a loud bark, and then-

* * *

><p>I wasn't surprised when I saw Eric jump five feet in the air because of the dog.; His hands that were wrapped around Jackie's feet flung into the air. Jackie grabbed onto his neck as she tilted over to the side. I heard Hyde laughing behind me, then Fez cursing at him. I'd tell you what Fez said but… I think I'll just leave that to your imagination.<p>

Fez ran over to Eric and pulled Jackie off of his shoulders. I let out a sigh of relief, but Hyde groaned in disappointment.

He had Jackie in his arms as he walked back to where we were standing.

"Hey Donna, watch this." I heard Hyde chuckle.

"HEY FEZ, LOOK, CHOCOLATE!" Hyde yelled into his cupped hands.

"Where?" Fez looked around, but didn't drop Jackie.

"Damn it." Hyde snarled.

What made Fez drop Jackie was something no one expected. It wasn't the dogs, or the van got unstuck and rolled towards him, but something else I think we all fear.

"Hey Fez."

It. Was. Caroline.

* * *

><p>Fez jumped probably ten feet in the air, and I am not kidding you. If you thought I was lying- shoot me.<p>

Jackie screamed as she tried to claw at Fez's neck to catch herself, but Fez was frozen like those popsicles in the Forman's freezer, and I mean frozen. She landed in the mud like… an anvil. She just sat there, covered in this really thick mud. I tried to hold back a laugh.

"Seriously Hyde? It's not funny." Donna snapped at me, but when she saw Jackie, I could tell she tried to hold back a laugh also.

"FEZ! WHAT THE HELL?" Jackie cried out. She started to lightly cry.

Fez turned around slowly, maybe he was hoping it was a dream- or a nightmare, and he'd wake up, but Caroline was still there when he finished turning around.

"Caroline! What are you doing here?" Fez yelped. His voice sounded higher than Jackie's. This… was freaking hilarious.

"I followed you here." She said as though he was stupid while she walked towards him.

"Stay away from me Caroline!" Fez warned.

"Look, Fezzie Poo."

"IT'S FEZ!" Fez snapped.

"FEZ, GET ME OUT OF THIS MUD!" Jackie screamed.

Fez picked up Jackie and brought her over to me. "Hold her." He said then shoved her into me.

"No way man." I said and backed away.

This was the first time Fez forced me to do something. He shoved her into me and kind of dropped her, forcing me to catch her. Usually I would've just let her drop, but I kind of felt bad for her. I mean, yeah, this situation was freaking hilarious and all, but she was crying. I wasn't going to be THAT mean.

Caroline jogged over to Fez.

"Can't we just talk this over Fezzie Po- I mean… Fez…?" Caroline begged.

"No Caroline. We are over. I'm with Jackie now."

Big Mistake.

* * *

><p>These dogs were so cool! No, really. They smelled really funny, but they were freaking awesome! They were all over me, like all the girls in Point Place are all over me. They were drooling and fighting over me, and pawed at me. Yep, just like the girls.<p>

* * *

><p>I was DRENCHED in mud. I could feel the mud drying on my skin, and ruining my clothes. And my favorite unicorn shirt. I was so pissed. My hair had turned into a light brown from the mud, and it definitely made me NOT look hot.<p>

I did not care about Fez and Caroline anymore. He DROPPED me in MUD! I hope Caroline ruins his life.

"WHAT?" I looked up and saw Caroline staring at me. No, staring into my SOUL.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT FEZ?" She screamed at me. She started to march over and she actually looked like she was going to claw my eyes out. I could feel my arms tighten around Hyde's arms.

"What the hell is going on?"

Hyde turned around, and there was a man with a rifle in his hand. Wait, were we in Kansas or Tennessee? Because everyone in Tennessee has a gun.

"I'm sorry sir," Eric ran over to the man and explained what had happened to us- and the van.

"Well, I'll go see if I have something to pull you out. The last time someone got stuck out here it was a couple headin' out towards California. I think the girl was a… red head? Yeah, that sounds right, and the guy was just a… a…"

"Dumbass?" Eric finished for him.

"Yeah, he was the biggest Dumbass I have every seen, and probably will see." I had to smile at that conversation. I could feel the mud around my face crack.

* * *

><p>"Caroline, can you PLEASE leave." I asked Caroline for Fez.<p>

"No, not without Fez." She snapped.

Now that the van had been pulled out, all we had to do was get Caroline out of our hair. Jackie was getting the mud off by using the farmer's hose so we wouldn't have to listen to here until we got to California.

"Fez doesn't like you anymore! Just leave us alone!" Donna stepped in to help.

"I'm pretty sure he does. Plus, I'm sure Jackie didn't write Fez's name all over her walls- like I did. I'm pretty sure Jackie doesn't have pictures of Fez in every single page of her journal- Like mine does. And I'm pretty sure Jackie doesn't have Fez's name tattooed on her wrists- like I do. I'm also-"

"WE DON'T CARE!" I yelled in her face. "You're right; she doesn't have all those things because she's not PSYCHO!" Hyde yelled from the van.

"Thank you!" I yelled to Hyde.

"Well, this isn't the last time you're going to see me Eric. Trust. Me." This would've been a great scary movie.

Donna and I walked back to the van as Caroline drove away.

"So Kelso, where was this 'fun' you were talking about?" I asked as we slid into the front seat.

"Eric, are you BLIND? Did you not see all of those dogs over there?" Kelso snapped at me.

"Okay, let's get the hell outta here!" Jackie said as she jumped in next to Donna.

The rest of the care ride for today was pretty much quiet. Yeah, we had the radio on and what not. We were all really tired until we reached Topeka.

"Hey guys, we're in Topeka!" I yelled excitedly when I got in the car from putting gas in it.

"Greaaat." Jackie moaned.

"No, this is good! That means if we drive non- stop, we'll be there in one day, and three hours!" I yelped.

"Then keep driving! I wanna see some topless babes!" Kelso yelled. Classy Kelso, you're dating the mother of your baby and you still want to see naked girls.

And so, we kept driving. Just one day and three hours until the gang will be hanging out at the beach.


	5. Chapter 5: Day 3: Great, Drama

I swear, if I drove for another hour, my foot will literally break off. It's been six hours since I realized if I drove for one day and three hours we would be in Sacramento. Well, while driving I realized that is twenty- seven hours, and now that I have driven six of those twenty seven, I feel like I am going to shoot myself. You would too if you were in the car with Jackie for six hours, then realized you had more than twenty one more hours to spend with her.

"Eric, listen to this idea." Donna asked while I was trying to look at the map. She cleared her throat and started to retell one of her bazillion stories. I mean, yeah, I love her and her stories, but when you're trying to figure out which way California is, you just want everyone to _shut up_.

"Donna, will you be quiet!" Jackie snapped at her. "I am _trying_ to read a magazine with Fez! And how can I read about John Travolta when you're telling Eric about your lumber jack stories?"

I looked over at Donna and saw her roll her eyes at Jackie.

"I don't write about lumberjacks Jackie, I write romance stories." Donna corrected her.

Jackie didn't respond. To be honest, I was a little surprise Jackie didn't fire one of her lame come backs at Donna.

"Donna, can you find which highway I need to get onto so we end up in California, not Canada?" I gave her the map and continued driving. It was a little quiet for a few seconds, and I could feel her eyes burning through my skin. I already knew she was mad that I wasn't listening to her story.

She mumbled some highway numbers before crumbling the map up and jumping into the back. Donna is really hot and smart and funny, but sometimes… she can be a real… she can just be really complicated.

* * *

><p>Eric is such a jerk. I was telling him my story, which was a story about a man and a woman who are separated by their friends and family and 3200 miles, and their love is so strong, they run away from their families and run across the country to be reunited. I, myself, thought it was an award winning piece. And what did Eric have to say? "Uhhh, Donna, can you find which highway I need to get onto so we end up in California, not Canada?" HA HA HA Eric, you are freaking hilarious. I am laughing so hard, I think I might want to shove my foot into your stupid little as-<p>

"Donna, you're sitting on my magazines!" Jackie cried out.

I rolled off the magazines for Jackie to seize them. I have to admit, Fez and Jackie are a pretty cute couple. Fez's arm was dangled around her shoulder while they both read about John Travolta. He was a hottie. And, he probably listened to his girlfriend's stories!

I crawled next to Jackie and started to read the magazine with them. Then Kelso climbed over my shoulders and chuckled "You know, I can do a pretty good Travolta." This next part was _great_.

"Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it. He hits my hair." I have to admit, it was a pretty good impression of Travolta.

"Remember when Kelso 'modeled himself' after Travolta for Red's Industrial film?" Hyde laughed from the corner of the van. We all laughed at that as we remembered it.

"Well, make fun of me all you want, but I NAILED that impression." Kelso yelled at us as he continued reading the article.

I crawled out of the group and joined Hyde, who was just hanging out, looking out the window.

"Hey." I said while I looked out the same window. I felt my heart flutter because in the distance I could see the mountains. I never really got to enjoy the mountains when Kelso and I drove through here, because I had to worry about him grabbing my boob.

"Hey." He responded. He didn't say it like he was mad or happy, he just… said it.

"Aren't the mountains beautiful?" I commented, pointing at the huge hills.

"Yeah, they'll be great when we can actually see them." Hyde chuckled.

It was silent for a few minutes. It wasn't awkward, it was just silent. We could both hear the trio talking about whoever they were reading about next.

"Hyde," I asked, "Do you like my stories?"

"Sure man, they're really cool. Like, I can tell you're basing them off of you and Eric, but it's still pretty cool." He said. He took off his glasses so he could rub his eyes.

I smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek. And I never do that, not even with Eric. Well, sometimes, when he's not being a major dilhole. "Thanks Hyde." After that we both continued to look outside at the mountains.

* * *

><p>It was still a little wet where Donna kissed me like a minute ago. I wasn't going to go all crazy and start stalking her like Jackie did with me around Veteran's Day a few years ago, but I wasn't going to brush it off like it was no big deal.<p>

Four years ago, I would've kissed her back, because I thought she was… really cool. But that was four years ago. Now we're just really good friends, so I kind of have to just brush it off like it was no big deal.

I never have actually read any of her stories, except those few times when they were in the High School Newspaper. I looked over at Fez to see his arms around Jackie's waist. And don't think I have a crush on Jackie, because I don't. She is so annoying, it's not even funny. Plus, she's all "Steven, you smell like a hobo." Or "Fez, stop doing that! That's what foreigners do!" Yeah, she isn't, or ever will be, my type.

"Hey guys, this car has been following us for probably a good hour or so." Eric called from up front. No one really cared. We just kept staring out the window or read the stupid teen magazines.

"Guys, seriously, and the windows are tinted." He gulped.

"Maybe it's Darth Vader." I threw that little comment in there.

"Ha ha, real funny, but seriously, this person will not get off my tail." I decided to look out the window to see if there was seriously someone tail gating. I looked through the window and, sure enough, was a crappy blue car with tinted windows, but that didn't stop me from seeing the face.

* * *

><p>The front cover had eight gorgeous guys. Michael Damian was a real hottie, and so was John Schneider… and Chris Atkins. MAN I LOVE TIGER BEAT!<p>

"So Fez, should we tear out the pin ups? Or read Leif's love letter?" I asked him. I tilted my head so I could see Fez's face. Fez was such a good magazine reader.

"Hmmmm. How about-"

"You're absolutely right! Leif's Lover Letter!" I clapped my hands and hurriedly flipped through the pages of the magazine. When I reached the letter I pressed my hands against my chest and said dreamily "Leif Garrett is SUCH a DREAM!" I waited for Fez's input, but I never heard anything from him.

"Oh, but you are even dreamier!" I cried out and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Oh stop it!" Fez giggled. Wow. Close one. Fez is sexy and all, but Leif Garrett is blonde, cute, and not foreign. But… I still love Fez.

"Oh my God, Psycho is following us!" I heard Steven chuckle from behind. I was too caught up with the letter to give a crap what Steven was saying. Leif Garrett is so hot, I could bake cookies on his st- OKAY, OKAY ENOUGH WITH MY LEIF GARRETT DREAMS, THE WHOLE POINT IS I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO STEVEN!

"Wait, who's psycho?" I heard Michael above us ask.

"Take a wild guess." Steven said.

Fez unwrapped his hands from my waist and yelped "Caroline? Crazy Caroline?"

"Hell yeah, Crazy Caroline is once again stalking Fez!" Hyde laughed.

"Oooooh, Fez is popular with the ladies!" Michael said and tried to high five Fez.

"Michael," I pushed Fez out of the way; I really wanted to stand up right now. "This is not time for your silly, perverted ideas! Fez is in real trouble, and we need to help him!" I snapped at him.

I climbed up front with Eric. "Here, let me take the wheel." Let the fun and games begin.

* * *

><p>"Red, I miss Eric. And Steven." Kitty cried out on the couch while Red and Kitty were watching Sanford and Son.<p>

"For the love of God Kitty, they are perfectly fine. No one is going to pick them up or rob them. Why would they? Those dumbasses have nothing they would want. And who would want Eric? Or Steven?" Red said, doing poorly to comfort her.

"I WANT ERIC AND STEVEN!" Kitty yelled at Red. Red rolled his eyes as he got up and sat next to Kitty.

"Look Kitty, if they were in trouble, they would call us, you know that. You just need to forget about those two du- kids… and enjoy our time together. We're never alone! We always have dumbass kids running around, making messes, calling people on our phones, being loud and doing what dumbasses do!"

Kitty sniffled and looked at Red. "Well… I guess you're right. The last time I spent time with you- alone- was when you went Ice Fishing. And what a nightmare that was! AHAHAHA!" Kitty laughed. Red rolled his eyes and swung his arm over her shoulders.

"No, no, not now Red. I'm going to make a great big batch of brownies, just for you!" She gave him a kiss on his cheek before walking into the kitchen.

The phone rang and Kitty answered it.

"Hello?" Kitty asked, hoping it was one of the kids. She just wanted to hear their voices for a few minutes. No, she wanted to see their faces too.

"Hi, Mrs. Forman," Kitty gave a little laugh when she realized it was just Brooke. "I was just wondering if you have seen Michael lately. He said he was going to get a new van and that he would call me, but… so far no word."

"Brooke, they're not van shopping!" Kitty pointed out. Why would Brooke think that Michael was car shopping? "They're still en route to California! I know, they haven't called me either but-"

"Wait, what did you just say?" Brooke asked. He voice seemed to get higher in anger.

"I said that my boys, who I've clothed and sheltered and fed from day one, haven't cal-"

"No, no, not that, what were you saying about California? Are they getting a car part delivered from California and their just waiting for it?"

"No honey," By the time Kitty figured out that they had lied to Brooke- it was too late. "They're driving to California so they can 'catch some waves'!" Kitty felt so cool saying that. Eric was such a liar- his mom was cool.

* * *

><p>"Damn Jackie I was just having some fun, God!" I yelled at Jackie. There was a GIRL stalking FEZ! That is something every man dreams of! Being followed by a chick! Except if they're total uggo's, then that really sucks.<p>

"Jackie, what are you doing?" Eric screamed from up front. I turned around to see Jackie pushing Eric out of the driver's seat.

"Getting rid of Crazy Caroline! God Eric, sometimes I think you are a total moron!" She snapped. I could feel the van speed up. I decided to jump up front with Jackie.

"Watching you… drive… is a real turn on." I said to Jackie in my sexy man voice.

"Get away from me Michael!" She shoved her hand into my face.

"Damn Jackie you could've said PLEASE!"

I jumped back into the back and sat next to Fez.

"Congrats little buddy!" I gave him a slap on the back.

"No, this isn't good Kelso. I don't WANT Caroline stalking me." Fez sighed.

"No, you don't see the good thing about-"

"What is so good about a psycho woman stalking me?"

"See, Caroline is jealous that you're with Jackie and not her, and what do girls do when they're jealous?"

"… they make- out?" Fez asked.

"No- I wish- but they fight over you! Which means they'll do more and more things for you so you like them better!"

"But… how does this benefit ME?" Fez asked.

"Okay, they'll start to buy you stuff, then when it gets more and more competitive they'll start to-"

"JACKIE, STOP THE VAN!" Fez screamed before I finished my sentence.

"No Fez, I am not going to let Caroline have you! That psycho bitch!" She snapped back at him.

Fez turned around and smiled "Oh my God Kelso, you are a god."

* * *

><p>Caroline was NOT going to get Fez. Fez is MINE. He's allllllll MINE. I don't care if she is psycho or not, she is NOT going to get Fez. Fez is my chocolate puff, Fez is my boyfriend, and Fez is MY foreign boyfriend!<p>

* * *

><p>Jackie was MAD. I wish I was as smart as Kelso. That idea was genius! I would be so proud to have him as my son if I were his parents. I would have never realized the power of jealousy without his wise advice! Michael Kelso should be the President of America!<p>

* * *

><p>"Jackie, c'mon, just let me take the wheel." I asked. I put my hand on the steering wheel but she slapped it away.<p>

"No Eric, Crazy Caroline is NOT going to take Fez away from me!" She snapped at me while driving ferociously. I looked in the rearview mirror to still see Caroline on our tail. Back in 1977 I would have never guess that JACKIE would be fighting over Fez. That's like Luke Skywalker fighting over Darth Vader instead of Obi- Wan Kenobi. Insane! Completely Insane!

"Fez, will you grab your girlfriend?" I yelled behind me to Fez.

Jackie screamed when his arms reached out and dragged her into the back. Immediately I grabbed the wheel and slid into the driver's seat and kept driving forward. I slammed my foot onto the gas pedal to maybe loose Crazy Caroline and her crappy blue car. But then the worst sound in the world came from a car behind me.

* * *

><p>"Are those Police sirens? Eric, what the hell?" I yelled at him. How stupid could Eric get? First he ignores my stories, THEN he gets us caught by the police? I'm sorry, but what happened to the Eric that wouldn't go past the speed limit, even if Darth Vader was chasing him?<p>

"Eric, you are such an idiot!" I cried out.

"Are you kidding me? This is the closest thing he will ever do that's even close to badass." Hyde snickered.

I looked out the back window and saw Caroline's car pull over to the right; along with the police car. The police weren't chasing us, they were chasing Caroline.

I felt the car slow down quickly back to the correct speed limit. The only sound that was in the van was the heavy breathing of all six of us from either yelling or screaming or freaking out or doing whatever else makes you breath heavily. Jackie's arms were behind her being held by Fez, Hyde was looking out the back window, Kelso was staring at Jackie, Eric, of course, was driving, and I was assessing everything. I made the first move.

Slowly I climbed up front with Eric and sat next to him in the middle seat. His knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

"Sorry I yelled at you. I know you were just trying to help out Fez and all that." I whispered.

"It's fine."

"And I'm sorry I yelled at you about not listening to my story."

He chuckled before replying "It's fine."

Five minutes passed before I sighed "AND, I'm sorry about lying to you about the trip. You know… having Jackie tell you your plane didn't leave until the next morning. I just wanted the group together before we all go back to our lives and be… you know… adults."

He looked over at me before giggling.

"What?" I asked. Was he laughing at my apology (ies)?

"Nothing." He snapped his mouth shut and tried to keep from laughing.

"Eric, what the hell are you laughing at?"

"How are we… adults?"

I thought about it for a second. Yeah, how ARE we adults? Kelso still thinks he can fly by jumping off the roof with sheets.

I laughed too before playfully pushing him.

* * *

><p>"You're so cute." Fez said while holding Jackie in his lap.<p>

"You're cuter." Jackie giggled back.

"YOU'RE CUTEST!" They laughed at the same time.

God, I may puke. Were Jackie and I like this when we were dating? No. In fact, I almost had her trained to stop doing that crap.

"You're my foreign puddin' pop!" Jackie giggled.

Puddin' Pop? That's frickin' sick. Didn't Jackie used to call me that? See what reading Cosmo and watching… Grease… does to you? THIS, is what the government is doing. Can you believe I SHAVED my beard for her when her dad got arrested? That was one bitchin' beard.

"You're my spoiled, whiny, sexy queen." Fez said. Ha, watch him totally get yelled at.

"I'm your sexy queen? Fez, that's soooooo sweet!" She kissed him before glancing over at me. She smiled evilly before saying "You are sooooooo sexy, and sweet, and hot, and-"

Oooooh, I see where this is going. She's trying to make me _jealous_. Ha ha, good joke Jackie.

"Hey Jackie, get a freakin' room." I yelled over at her.

"Get over it." Jackie snapped at me.

"Ooooooh, good come- back." Fez complimented her.

"Thanks babe." She kissed his cheek before snuggling against him.

Kelso crawled over to me and said "I hope Brooke and Betsy are okay. I told them I was going to get a car part. We've been gone for a few days, so-"

Was I the only guy in this car that isn't gettin' any? Forman has Donna, Fez- FEZ- has Jackie, and Kelso is worrying about Brooke. Well I did have that awesome blonde chick whatsherface that was going to come with me but Jackie told me to leave her. Did I really listen to _Jackie_? I could've been makin' out with her right at this moment, but instead I'm supposed to be listening to Kelso and watching Jackie and Fez make out. THIS… is sick.

* * *

><p>That's right Steven, BE JEALOUS! You are nasty, and you aren't ever gonna get a piece of Jackie! Plus, Fez is a better kisser than you, AND, he's foreign!<p>

"I love my FOREIGN, SEXY, PUDDIN' POP!" I said loud enough for Steven to hear. Gross, did I really go out with him? I sunk THAT LOW? That's not what Burkehart's do. We marry men that have Limo's, and have other people drive their Limo for them, AND have people WORK for them. Not work for someone else who has a Limo and has someone else driving the Limo for them. Steven never had a Limo. Fez… well Fez can DRIVE a Limo, but at least he will be in a Limo! Hear that Steven? Fez is getting' more action than you arrrrrrrrrrre!

I wrapped my arms around Fez's neck and pressed my lips against his. I felt his hands sneaking under my shirt. I quit kissing him before giggling "Ooooooh, Fez!"

"Whoa, Jackie!" I turned around to see Steven. I could still see his eye's through those sunglasses. "Yes, Steven?"

"Now you're easy?"

I was NOT easy! "I mean… Oooooh Fez, what are you doing? Not now…. Gross!"

* * *

><p>"Guys, I'mma pull over." Eric said tiredly.<p>

"No, just… keep going!"

"I wish I could hear that every day!" Hyde yelled from the back.

"Shut up! But seriously, I want to get there as soon as possible. Please?" I begged. I did not want to be stuck in this car for any longer if I didn't need to.

He sighed and kept driving. "Thanks." I said. "Where are we anyway?"

"I don't know I'm just _tired_." He groaned.

I had to give the guy credit. It was around eight o'clock and he had been driving for over one day. But while I was thinking about this a sign appeared on the side of the road that read WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA. We, were finally here.


	6. Chapter 6: Day 4: Great, We're in Cali

Everyone was cheering. We were FINALLY in California! What reason is there NOT to cheer? We were where we were trying to reach- we were all together and we were all happy. There was only two problems, which made me want to scream.

"Donna-"

"ERIC, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I WISH I COULD JUST… MAKE LOVE TO YOU RIGHT NOW!" She screamed.

"Well, this is going to be a lot harder to tell you then."

"What could go wrong Eric? This is so FREAKING EXCITING!"

"Well…"

And slowly the car started to slow down.

"Eric, we're on the highway, speed up." Donna giggled in excitement.

"Donna, my foot's on the gas pedal. And the gas pedal is pressed to the floor." I said. This is making it so much harder to say.

"FORMAN, WHAT THE HELL MAN, SPEED UP!"

"Yes, you stupid American, hurry it up!"

Donna moved closer to me and looked at the gas gage.

"Eric, are we out of gas?"

"Yeah, and we're 4 hours and a half hours from the ocean."

* * *

><p>What could go wrong? EVERYTHING! We're out of gas, on the side of the highway, we're like 5 HOURS from the ocean, AND we're out in the middle of nowhere! WHAT… THE HELL.<p>

I didn't know what else to do. So I slugged the son of a bitch. And I slugged him as hard as I could. I made sure it hurt.

"WHAT THE FU-"

"DID YOU HAVE AN EXTRA BOWL OF STUPID THIS MORNING?"

"YEAH FORMAN!"

"SHUT UP HYDE! ERIC, WHAT HAS BEEN GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD THIS WHOLE. ENTIRE. TIME?"

He just stared at the gas gage and didn't say anything. He had the look on his face like he wanted to scream at me, but knew he shouldn't. His hands were still on the steering wheel, and in the dark I could see that his hands were gripping the wheel as if his life depended on it.

"Eric, you are such a moron!" Jackie yelled behind me.

"Damn Eric-"

"You know what?" Eric said, interrupting Kelso. His eyes looked deep into mine, making me uncomfortable. "I shouldn't be taking your crap. I should be in Africa, _trying_ to make a living, instead of driving and getting yelled at for trying to make you guys happy." And then he jumped out of the van and slammed the door as hard as he could, then hurriedly walked to the field on the right.

Nobody moved. The only sound in the van was… nothing. Nobody was driving at midnight on the highway, and I'm pretty sure nobody was breathing. We were all frozen. The excitement had been zapped out of all of this.

I was staring at his seat with this blank expression on my face, and my mind was just the same. I had no emotions trying to express themselves; I was just this blank canvas.

Suddenly my body slammed itself at the door and my hands opened the handle, and my hands slammed the door behind me. I tried to stop myself, but I chased after Eric.

He made it pretty far in those five seconds. "Eric!" My mouth formed and the sound exploded from it. He didn't stop, instead he sped up. We were both running. My nails dug into the palms of my hands and my legs stretched with each stride, as though I was back in Junior High, when I was on the track team.

I was catching up to him, but I didn't slow down. I sped up. And as I got into a leaping distance, I sprung into the air and tackled him, like we did when we played basketball. My hands pressed against his back and as we got closer to the ground, I found myself closing my eyes tightly and I held my breath. And then I slammed into Eric on the ground.

I didn't open my eyes for a while. I just lay there, on top of Eric, and we just sat there, breathing heavily _from running_.

This was the moment when I breathed in deeply, and I inhaled the warm air for the first time in four months. The long grass in the field towered above us, but it gave off this wonderful smell I can't describe. It tickled my nose though, in a good way. And even though it was dark, I could make out Eric's face. And I kissed him. I _kissed_ him. He just went off on me, and I _kissed _him. And he wrapped his arms around me. Even though he went off on me, he wrapped his arms around me. And I wanted to be nowhere else but here.

He rolled me over so we could both look at the sky. "Look." And I did while I cuddled up against him. His arm squeezed me by my sky and we stared off into the distance.

The sky was _beautiful_. The moon was full and there were _billions_ of white dots in the sky twinkling. Inside of me I felt like it was lit up. I felt so warm and happy. I didn't care we were stranded out in the middle of nowhere. I didn't care we were five hours away from my mom's house. I didn't care we were five hours away from the ocean. And I didn't care about _anything_. I loved Eric, and I was in the moment. "I love you" I sniffled. He squeezed me closer to him and whispered "I love you too."

* * *

><p>"What the hell is taking them so long?" Steven groaned.<p>

"Yeah, seriously." My face was pressed up against the window. We watched outside when Eric left, then Donna, then when Donna pushed down Eric, and we haven't seen them emerge from the grass. The grass was so tall we couldn't see where they were.

"Let's go scare the crap out of them!" Michael whispered.

"Yeah, great idea." Fez said.

We all quietly opened up the door and gently shut it. It wasn't secure, but it wasn't just open. Steven went in front of me, Fez was behind me, and Michael was behind Fez.

Steven disappeared in the long grass, and he wasn't waiting. What a jerk! Hadn't he heard of 'Ladies first'? No, probably not, because he has no parents.

I followed him in, and I just followed the waving grass. I pretty much just went straight. I couldn't see anyone around me, the grass was _always _in my face.

"Steven, where-"

I bumped into him and he put a finger up against his mouth to signal me to be quiet. I laid my hands on his shoulders and peered around him. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear the sound of grass moving around, and some heavy breathing.

I don't know where Michael and Fez went, but I didn't care. I pushed Steven slightly forward, and we slowly started to walk. I felt Fez's hands behind me a few seconds later, and Michael was probably behind him.

"They're right in front of us." Steven whispered.

"One…" He whispered.

"Two…" I whispered.

"Three." Michael whispered.

We jumped out of the grass and saw the most horrifying sight of my life.

* * *

><p>"ERIC AND DONNA ARE DOIN' IT!" Kelso screamed.<p>

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Jackie cried out. I felt her hands wrap around my neck and her face bury it into my back.

I just stared at Donna. And Eric. But mostly Donna. _Naked_ Donna.

"Oh my god!" Donna screamed and tried to cover herself up.

"Oh my god!" Fez said excitedly.

"Oh my god gross!" Jackie cried.

"ohmygod!" Eric said in his squeaky voice.

"OH MY GOD ERIC AND DONNA ARE DOIN' IT!" Kelso screamed so all of America could enjoy it, and some of Canada and Mexico.

"LEAVE! NOW!" Donna screamed in this horrified voice that I've never heard her use. Except that time she saw Eric doin' some man stuff in her bathroom. He he, good times.

No one left. We all were frozen like it was in the car five minutes ago. Donna grabbed Eric's shirt and quickly slipped it over her body, and grabbed the nearest pair of pants.

"Donna, those are my pants and shirt."

"Then put on my shirt. But not my pants, that's just gross."

I could still feel Jackie's hands on me. Her warm, comforting hands. Yes, Jackie was hot, but I had no interest in her. She is… 'sofa king' annoying.

The couple stood up awkwardly. Donna had all of Eric's stuff on, and Eric was stuck with covering himself up with his hands. He he, this couldn't get any funnier. Or could it?

"Let's get back out on the road. Nothing else to see people, okay? Let's just make like a tree and leaf. Eric, grab my clothes." Donna demanded as she walked back to the van. Eric just stood there, waiting for all of us leave.

* * *

><p>"Donna, what were you doing?" I asked her.<p>

Donna stopped and turned around. "Isn't it kind of… obvious?"

"I know what you were doing Donna, but why were you doing it outside?" I asked. She acts like a moron sometimes.

"Well, it was romantic with the stars above us, and we were both in the mood I guess and-"

"What part of being stuck out in the middle of nowhere with a car out of gas because your dead brain boy friend forgot to fill it up with gas is romantic?" I asked. Seriously, Donna, this is so disgusting.

"Jackie, it's nothing, okay?" Donna snapped.

"Damn, you don't have to be so moody." I growled to myself. She turned around and gave me a glare. "Hey, I wasn't the one caught doing it with Eric outside."

When we made it to the van there was someone at the driver's side looking through the window.

"Hey!" Donna yelled. The person had Farrah Fawcett hair and as soon as Donna said that she jumped back in the car and yelled to her boyfriend "Move it!" And the car peeled away.

"Wait! Please, wait! Our car is out of gas!" Donna cried out.

"Good one you lumber jack!" I snapped.

Donna snapped her body towards me and tackled me like a lumber jack would totally do. We were rolling down the hill together pulling each other's hair and screaming and scratching. There were words like 'bitch' 'lumber jack' 'whore' and 'slut' being thrown around a lot.

We were on the ground and she was on top of me trying to scratch me. I grabbed her blonde hair and yanked it towards me as hard as I could. "Stop it you bitch!" She snarled. She grabbed the skin on my arms and pinched it as hard as she could while her other hand was pulling my hair up towards the sky.

"STOP IT YOU BIG RED WHORE!" I cried out as I pulled her hair even harder, while my other hand was pushing her chest to push her off, and my legs were kicking underneath her.

As we screamed and cried and burned each other Eric grabbed Donna and pulled her off of me, but I tried to keep throwing shots at her. I dove at her, who was struggling to get away from Eric, when someone's arms wrapped around my waist and held me like a baby with their arms wrapped around my feet so I couldn't kick.

"Ewww Steven, put me down!" I snapped at him and tried to wriggle my way out of his arms.

"No, cause you'll just go get Donna."

"Excuse me, I can hold my girl friend." Fez said.

"No you can't." Steven said.

"Yes I can."

"No you can't."

"No I can't." Fez sighed.

* * *

><p>I leaned against the van holding Jackie still like I would hold a baby while we waited for a car to pass by. So far, no cars, no nothing.<p>

It was pretty awkward to be holding Jackie. She hated it, and I hated it. Every now and then she'd struggle to get away from me but I'd just hold her tighter.

"Fez, let's go look at some playboys in the back." Kelso said, then took Fez into the back of the van.

"Classy." I chuckled. I waited for Jackie to say something, but she never did. I looked down and saw her head leaning against my shoulder and a hand laying on my chest, and her legs dangled over my arm. I dropped my arm holding her legs so they were laying on my legs. My other hand pulled her body closer to me. No one saw me doing this.

"Hey, I think I see some lights." Donna said. Eric let go of her and they stepped out into the middle of the highway and waved their arms. The truck slowed down and the windows rolled down. Great, they were cops.

"Can we help you ma'am?" The guy on the passenger side asked. He pulled down his sunglasses so they were just barely on his nose. Why the hell was this guy wearing sunglasses at night? Why the hell am I wearing sunglasses at night?

Donna giggled then whispered to Eric "He called me ma'am."

Eric slightly pushed her away and said "Look, our car ran out of gas, and we need to get to San Francisco."

Both of the men laughed and said "Who was the moron that let the car run out of gas?" Eric looked down at his feet then said "Look, can you give us a ride?"

"Sure. Jump in." The guy said.

"We have like five hundred bags and six people though." Donna said.

"Great. The girls can ride in the truck with us and the guys can ride in the bed with the bags."

Before Eric or I could protest Donna said "Okay!" And jumped in the van to get the guys to grab all the bags. I got up and waited for everyone to get the stuff in. My arm was starting to get tired, but I still held Jackie.

"You can put the lil' lady in." The guy said, who was holding the door open for me.

"Um… no, how about you get in then I'll put Jackie in." I said.

"Oh, you're afraid we'll 261 your girlfriend?" The guy laughed.

"Number one, what the hell is a 261, and number two, this chick isn't my girlfriend. She is just an annoying as hell girl that follows us around, and she fell asleep so I picked her up."

"And held her while waiting for some people to drive by? You couldn't set her in the car? Do you have a crush on her?" The guy laughed when Kelso came out.

"That's rape." Kelso said as he walked by the guy and I.

"Yeah Kelso, he's totally raping me." The guy and I both laughed. I looked at his name badge and it said Rick.

"No, we studied a little bit about Long Beach at the Police Academy because it's one of the top Spring Break spots, and a 261 in Long Beach means rape." Kelso said as he jumped into the bed of the truck.

I looked at Rick, and I felt this anger boil up inside. Thank God I was holding Jackie. I wasn't going to be charged with assaulting a police officer.

"Did I say 261? Oh, I meant 594B-1." Rick chuckled

"That means Violation with a girl."

"Okay, shut up pretty boy." Rick snapped.

Donna got in first then I put Jackie in after so Donna could beat up Rick, the 261 guy, if he tried to do anything stupid. I checked the van and sure enough, there was nothing left. The other cop called a tow truck on his radio to drop the van off in San Francisco.

I hopped in the bed with the guys and let the wind carry me away.

* * *

><p>Rick was SO funny! He was always talking in code with his friend, and even though I didn't know what that meant, it was funny!<p>

"Wanna get to San Francisco in less than two hours?" Rick asked.

"Sure!" I laughed.

Rick whispered to his friend and the guy laughed and flipped a switch. A few seconds later the sirens and lights went off. Jackie jumped up against me, and suddenly the car sped up from sixty to one hundred and twenty miles per hour.

"Holy crap slow down!" Jackie screamed. The lights and siren was flicked off and we went back down to sixty miles per hour. I turned around and saw the guys flipping out in the bed. We were all laughing until the radio clicked in.

"We have a 211 officers Ricky and Shawn."

"Oh shit." Ricky snarled.

"What?" Jackie and I asked in unison.

"We have to report to a robbery, Shawn, turn the sirens back on."

The lights and siren went back on and the truck sped up quickly. I opened the window to talk to the guys.

"We're going to go arrest some bad guys! So hold on!" I cried out. And I shut the window, and I watched as all the guys except Eric raise their arms in excitement. I think Eric wanted to cry for his mom.

A few minutes later (like thirty) we turned into a parking lot and shut off the sirens and lights. "Stay in the car girls, we'll be right back." The guys pulled out their guns and crawled slowly out of the car. They tip- toed over to behind a car and kneeled down; giving them the perfect angle to do whatever they were going to do. It looked like the robbers had blown up the entrance, so there was a huge hole in the front, revealing the insides of the bank.

"Donna, I'm scared!" Jackie whined.

"Shhh!" I hissed.

Suddenly we heard glass breaking. We turned around and saw the guns firing, and bullets were shooting back at them. Jackie and I cuddled together in fear.

* * *

><p>"Kelso man, you're a cop, shouldn't you be doing something?" Hyde asked.<p>

"I'm not a cop. I'm the guy that protects the strippers. But I once _was _a cop."

"Well then, how about you get off your ass and go do something?" Hyde told me.

I jumped out of the bed of the truck and used my cat- like moves to tip- toe over to the scene. I went through the back door of the bank and saw the robber shooting behind a knocked over desk He had a black ski mask on and had few bags of cash behind him.

I had to distract him. I grabbed my smoke bomb (I was gonna totally scare the crap out of Fez, so I brought it along with me. I have another one, don't worry) from my back pocket and threw it under the desk.

"What the hell?" I heard the girl say. Girl?

I jumped over to the desk and sat down next to her. "Hey, I'm Kelso. Michael Kelso."

She looked at me through the holes in the ski mask. From what I could tell, she was really sexy. And that's just by looking at her eyes. Huh, have I done it with her before? Nah, I haven't done it with anyone from California before. I mean, yeah I almost totally did it with Annette, but nooooooo.

She pointed the gun at me and immediately my arms flung up.

"Whoa, take it easy their girly. That shoots bullets." I said.

"I know what it does dumbass." She snarled, but the gun was still pointed at me.

"Look, you don't want to shoot a stud like me. That would be like shooting the Fonz. Who's gonna hit the juke box and turn it on while being the guy that every girl dreams about? Hmmmm?"

"Kelso, you can't hit the juke box and turn it on, you'll just hurt yourself. Like you did falling off the water tower like five billion times." The girl chuckled to herself.

"Wait," I said. "How do you know my nickname? And how do you know that I have fallen off the water tower?" This was so freaky! Whoa, was she… was she an alien?

"Come on babe, there's a back entrance." A guy said who had three bags of money in each hand. The girl slapped my head before picking up the bags and running out the door that I came through. How. Did. She. Know. My. Name?

"DAMN IT I FORGOT MY CAMERA! I COULD'VE HAD SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE THAT ALIENS DO EXIST!"

* * *

><p>"Wait, is that them escaping?" I asked. I saw two robbers running out the entrance with about ten bags of cash in their hands. They jumped into a Cadillac that was parked in front of the bank and peeled out of there.<p>

"I knew that sonofabitch wouldn't help!" Fez groaned.

"Where's Kelso?" Hyde asked looking around.

The police men kept shooting as a stream of smoke slowly started to pour out of the gaping hole. "What's happening?" I asked

What was once a stream became a wave of smoke, and it had filled the bank and the parking lot with smoke, literally. I couldn't see the two cops, and Kelso still hadn't emerged from the bank.

"Should we go get him?" I asked, starting to get panicky.

"It's okay Lassie, Timmy's gonna be okay." Hyde said while rolling his eyes. Well I couldn't help it, there was smoke everywhere and I couldn't see anyone. The smoke started to float through the bed of the truck, so now I couldn't see anyone in front of me.

"That's it, I'm going in after Kelso." I said. I climbed over the side and jumped down. I remembered in preschool that you are supposed to crawl on the ground when there is smoke, so that's what I did. I got down on my hands and knees and started to crawl. Huh, you can see better on the ground.

I could feel the little pebbles piercing my hands each time I inched my way forward. I coughed every now and then until I felt tile instead of the asphalt. Bingo, I was in the bank.

"Hey Kelso? Are you here?" I yelled.

"Yeah, I'm over here. I can't see!"

Well duh. "Okay, just… keep talking so I can find you." I told him.

"What do I say? Hello? Eric? Eric! Are you here? Helllllllooooooo?" Kelso yelped. I just followed the noise until I found him leaned up against a desk.

"What the hell is all this smoke?" I asked him, maybe finding an answer.

"I had a smoke bomb and I threw it. That's what they do in spy movies."

"In what spy movie do they throw smoke bombs to _find_ robbers?" I asked. "And how long is it going to take for it to clear out?"

"When I went to the fireworks store, I bought the best stuff, and the best stuff lets out smoke for an hour, and it takes two hours to clear out!" Kelso said as if that was this great idea.

"Great, okay just follow me, okay? We're going back to the truck."

We both started crawling, and in a few seconds we made it back to the truck.

"Okay, get in." I told him as he climbed over the side into the bed. I jumped up over it and got back into my spot. I tapped on the window, and Donna opened it.

"Are the guys back yet?" I asked. She shook her head no, but kept the window open so we could talk.

"Guys, the guy that was shooting was actually a girl, and she knew that I had fallen off a water tower and KNEW my NAME." Kelso said, while freaking out. "So that means, she's an alien."

"Whoa, you met a GIRL alien? Was she hot?" Fez asked.

"I don't know. She had a ski mask on. But she sounded really hot." Kelso chuckled.

"Whoa ho ho, a hot alien? I wanna piece of that!" Fez said excitedly.

"Yeah, I'm sure there was an alien robbing a bank." Hyde yawned.

"Who's the dumbass that chased the robbers away?" One of the cops said as they approached the truck.

Kelso raised his hand as they climbed into their trucks.

"Were you dropped on the head as a baby?" Rick laughed.

"Yeah, I don't talk about it that much though." Kelso said as if he gets asked that a lot.

* * *

><p>So we were on our way (again) to the beach. Could this truck go any slower? There are women, topless women waiting for me on the beach. I know they walk around topless because I've seen them in Penthouse. I cannot wait to go to the beach, because no sane (and I guess some insane) women cannot resist the Fez.<p>

"Man, seeing Donna naked was great!" Kelso said.

"I can hear you, dumbass!" Donna yelled at us.

I winked at Kelso, and he winked back. That was one moment I wish I was Eric. He was doing it with Donna _outside_ in the _dark_. That would be one great story in Penthouse!

"Fez," Jackie cried from up front. "Can you get my Tiger Beat for me? I'm borrrred." She cried out. As I looked through the magazines I couldn't help notice that the truck was slowly being lit. I looked up and saw the sun creeping up on the horizon. And it was so beautiful. I smiled, because by this afternoon, I was going to be with topless women on the beach. Every. Man's. Dream.


	7. Chapter 7: Day 4: Part 2

The crowd applauded. The crowd was in awe. The crowd screamed in excitement as I walked across the stage; waving to my adoring fans. I blew a kiss to the camera as I sat down in my chair before saying in my beautiful voice "Welcome to 'Wake up with Jackie!'" The crowd cheered as I flashed a smile and batted my eyelashes.

"This isn't a dream; you really are in San Francisco with Jackie!" I yelled elegantly over the screaming audience. Teenage girls waved their hands out on the stage for me to shake, but I stayed seated.

"You would think this couldn't get any better. You are in San Francisco with me, Jackie Burkhart. But, it can!" I waited for a few seconds for the audience to finish their final screams. "Please give a big, warm, welcome to the hottest, the cutest, the fantastic, and my boyfriend, LEIF GARRETT!" I screamed as I stood up; clapping as this tall man walked out, shaking the teenage girls' hands for me. I gave the man with the flowing blonde hair a hug before I kissed him on his lips for a quick second.

I showed him to sit in the chair next to mine. We both laughed as we waited for the girls to shut up. I smiled at my boyfriend dreamily before he started off the conversation "Well, it's about time that you had me on your show." We laughed, and the crowd joined with us.

"Look, we even have the same hair style!" He threw in. I tossed my head back and let out a laugh. "Oh you are just hysterical! Well anyway Leif and-"

Before I could finish my sentence he jumped out of his chair and kneeled on the ground. He pulled out a little black box and cupped it in his hands. I immediately sprang up and cupped my hands over my mouth.

"Jackie Something Burkhart," He whispered in his handsome voice. Oh my goodness he even used my middle name! How romantic!

"Will you," Leif Garrett was proposing to me! I was going to become Mrs. Jackie Garrett! I was definitely going to write this in my diary when I got home! Me, little Ms. Jackie Burkhart, was going to be Mrs. Jackie. GARRETT! And we would have a huge mansion with a bu-"Wake up?"

"What?" Those were the two words I definitely wasn't expecting.

"Jackie, wake up!"

I fluttered my eyes open to see Donna looking at me. "Oh what the hell Donna!" I cried out before smacking her shoulder. "What?"

"I was on my own TV show when my boyfriend Leif Garrett was going to propose to me! AND YOU RUINED IT!" I cried out.

"Great, well anyway we're at my mom's house!" She said excitedly.

I got up and stretched my hands before they hit the ceiling of the truck and followed Donna out of the truck.

"Fez, can you grab my bags for me? Thanks." I said while walking besides Donna up the stairs to her mom's house.

Her house from the outside was so beautiful. It was white on the outside and it had a flat roof, plus, it was on the beach!

"Donna, why didn't you tell me your mom lived on the beach?" I asked her as we waited on the porch for her mom to answer.

"I did. But you kept interrupting me saying 'Donna, I don't wanna hear any of your lumberjack stories', or 'Donna, I have bigger problems, my nail broke.'"

"Whatever Donna." I rolled my eyes.

The door swung open and Donna wrapped her arms around Midge. Michael pushed passed me and swung his arms around Midge before snarling "Stop hogging your mom Donna!" Donna rolled her eyes as Fez and Steven threw their arms around Midge. What was so great about Midge anyway? She was as dumb as a sack of rocks, and I was a lot cuter than she was, and I don't see a group of men mauling me at my door everyday!

* * *

><p>I was so happy to see my mom. I remember she came to Point Place to visit me after Eric ditched our wedding rehearsal, but of course THAT moment was also ruined because of the four dilholes.<p>

I made through the crowd and walked into my mom's living room. It had the same tastes like back at home; the chrome and blue living room, yellow kitchen, and whatever else. She had an extra room for me, but I never had a chance to decorate it, so it's just this white room with white sheets and pillows. It's really boring.

I felt like I was at home with the blue and chrome living room. Everything was the same, not kidding, like the blue walls and the blue couch.

"Donna, let's go down to the beach so I can show off my hot body!" Jackie said as she strutted into the living room.

"Jackie, can't we just hang out for a while? I'm really tired, and I just want to catch up with my mom." I sighed.

"We can do that anytime Donna, but we can't go to the ocean in the middle of January back home, so get your butt down at the beach, okay? Okay." She took off her yellow shirt and jeans in the middle of the room like it was no big deal.

"Jackie, what the hell are you doing?" I asked unbelievably.

"I have a swimming suit underneath my clothes."

And she did. She had a strapless pink top and a matching bottom. She threw one of my bags at me to signal me to get a move on it. I rolled my eyes at her and went to the bathroom and changed to a blue tank top with jean shorts, and a blue bandana in my hair.

"Okay, fine, I'm ready." I groaned. She clapped her hands together before running outside through the guys.

"Fez, do you want to go down to the beach with me?" Jackie asked politely to the man that was drooling over my mom.

"No, it's fine, I'll stay."

"Perhaps you didn't understand what I said. Get your butt down to the beach, NOW!" She snarled. Immediately he left the house and walked down the path to the beach.

"Jackie, why are you taking me with you if you're just going to make- out with Fez anyway?" I asked. Seriously, why?

She shrugged as our feet sunk into the warm sand. I inhaled and I could smell the warm, salty air along with the sounds of the crashing waves hitting the shore. I was actually pretty glad to be down at the beach.

"Oh look at all the hot guys Donna!" Jackie giggled with excitement. Fez turned and glared at Jackie. "But of course, you're the hottest of them all!" Jackie stated. Fez smiled before wrapping his arm around Jackie.

The beach was _packed_. But Fez and Jackie found a place next to a great big red and white stripped umbrella, which was covering a couple making out.

Fez, Jackie and I sat down in the warm sand and watched the waves hit the shore. "Isn't it beautiful?" I asked. Of course, nobody responded. Gross, every time I turn around they're frenching like a couple of French people at a frenching festival.

"Fez, what the hell are you doing?"

What happened next was something I'm pretty sure I will never forget. And I'm pretty sure Jackie will never, ever forget.

* * *

><p>"Fez, what the hell are you doing?"<p>

I stopped kissing Jackie and looked up to see a really hot blonde.

"Well, have you come to have a piece of the Fez?" I asked sexily. Yes, I am sure she came because she saw what was in store. This guy. Jackie slapped my arm and I let out an "Aye!" "Well, you can't have a piece of the Fez because he is taken!" I said quickly.

The blonde grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and lifted me off the ground. I looked deep into her eyes so I could make this encounter five times sexy than it already was.

"Laurie?" I yelped. I jumped back as soon as Donna and Jackie sprang up.

"No, it's Einstein. Of course it's me! Are you cheating on me?" She snapped, getting immediately to the point.

What was she talking about? Cheating? We were never going out!

"Well look Fez, the blonde whore is on tour!" Jackie snarled as she grabbed my arm.

"Get off my husband you freaking unicorn- loving slut!" Laurie sneered as she grabbed my other arm and pulled me towards her.

"HUSBAND?" Donna, Jackie, and I asked at the same time.

"Yes Fez, when we got married I became your wife and you became my husband. Now stop being a pig and lets go back to my place." Laurie snapped. "Well, actually, my boyfriend's place."

"Fez, didn't you get a divorce?" Jackie asked me, pulling me toward her.

"Ummmm-"

"'Ummmm' what?"

"Not really?"

Jackie groaned and shoved me towards Laurie. Laurie evilly smiled at Jackie before she yelled "HEY SETH! Let's go back to your place. I found my husband."

"But, I want to stay with my friends Laurie!" I told her, trying to pull the opposite way we were heading.

"Well stupid, you're coming with me!" She snapped. I looked back at Jackie and saw her glaring at me sadly with her arms crossed her chest. She looked so sexy when she was sad with her bikini on and in the sun tanning.

"Being married sucks." I groaned as we walked across the beach.

"Oh shut up. If I could I'd go get a divorce right now, but I wasted all my money last night." She kept walking before she stopped and faced me. "Wait, Seth and I robbed a bank this morning! We're all good! We can get a divorce right now! Yay!" She clapped her hands together, but we kept on walking.

"How much are you making?" She asked.

"Well, I'm working as the shampoo boy at-"

"Wait, you shampoo?" She asked, her smile forming a smile.

I nodded my head before she slapped my shoulder playfully. "I would be stupid to divorce you! My husband can shampoo hair! No way in hell am I going to divorce you!" She giggled before she realized something.

"Oh God is Eric here too?" She snarled.

I nodded my head and she said "Well isn't this _great_. I move to California to get away from 'It' and it ends up following me here." The man named Seth came up next to Laurie and started to kiss her neck.

"Hey dumbass," I yelled. "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Kissing her?" He said as if I was stupid. No way in hell would my wife make out with a guy with hair like that. It was longer than Jackie's hair, and it looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks! What the hell? If I had hair like that, I would wash it every chance I would get!

"No wife of mine is going to kiss a man like _that_." I said, motioning to him.

"Awww, you're so cute when you think you can tell me who I can and can't kiss. Shut up." She snapped and kept walking.

* * *

><p>Everyone else had gone down to the beach. I'm not a really beachy guy. I like watching girls at the beach, but I don't actually like going to the beach. I was the only one in Midge's house watching TV. Midge went down to the beach in a bikini, and if I was smart I would've gone down, but I didn't.<p>

Nothing else was on, so I was stuck watching The Young and the Restless. How do people watch this crap?

I heard the front door swing open and hit the wall. I didn't bother looking up. It was probably Kelso looking for a camera because he found a nude alien on the beach tanning or something else stupid like that.

Someone stomped up the steps hurriedly, which didn't cover the sound of sniffles. After a few seconds a door slammed. No biggy. I continued watching The Young and the Restless.

"Well, I'll be damned." Some guy said.

"I'm sure you will be."

"If complaining was an Olympic sport you'd-"

I couldn't hear the rest because of the screams and cries coming from upstairs.

"Great." I groaned as I flicked off the TV and headed my way upstairs. I didn't have to guess which room the crying girl (I hope it's a girl) was in. I knocked on the door and listened for a second.

"Get outta here!" Jackie.

I went ahead and opened the door anyway. She was laying on the white bed in her pink bikini face down crying her eyes out.

"What, you broke your nail?" I chuckled. Hey, I've seen her cry her eyes out because some guy in Tiger Beat got a girlfriend.

"thsichsolehez." She cried out into her pillow.

"What?" I asked.

She sat up and looked at me with her red puffy eyes. "That bitch stole Fez!"

"Did he look at a girl or something? Because that's just Fez Jackie, that's like giving him a playboy and tell him not to look at it." I said as I leaned against the door.

She rolled her eyes at me and chucked a pillow at me. "Just get out of here." She looked at her feet, and I saw a tear drop onto the wood floor.

"No, seriously, what happened?" I asked, picking up the pillow.

She inhaled before coughing out "Laurie found Fez, and she took him back because they're still married."

I sat down on the bed with her and handed her the pillow. And don't go thinking I still love her and all that. She is still annoying to me, and she is still not my type. I couldn't just leave her crying up here, that's too low even for me.

"Laurie's here? Damn, that whore's on tour." She giggled and sniffled at my joke.

"She just came over and literally took him back to her house after explaining that they were still married. Why would she do that?" She demanded while wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Because that's what whore's do." I explained. Jackie threw her head back and laughed before sniffling again. It wasn't that funny, but at least she wasn't crying her eyes out anymore.

"And Fez didn't even try to fight it. He did say he wanted to stay with his friends, but that's alllllllll he said. He didn't even try, Steven. He just left with that… whore on tour." She sighed.

I sighed and stated "Jackie, he'll end up crawling back to yo-"

Before I even knew what happened, she leaned over and kissed me. I closed my eyes for a few seconds before I pushed her off of me.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" I asked, wiping the taste of her off my lips.

"I miss Fez!" She started to cry again.

I pulled her to me and kissed her- JUST TO KEEP HER FROM CRYING AGAIN. And trust me that helped.

"We're still just friends, right?" I asked, breaking off the kiss.

"Duh!" She said. And we kissed once again.

* * *

><p>We haven't been at Midge's house for fifteen minutes, and already Fez and Jackie are over, we lost Jackie, and Laurie is here. What a perfect way to start our vacation!<p>

We found a spot right by the short and dropped our stuff there. It was close to the ocean, but not too close. I never did get to enjoy California when I came here to rescue Donna. I found her, and then we pretty much left.

Kelso found some kids and started to build a sand castle with them, so he was entertained for the day. So it was just Donna and I, which was pretty great. We sat on a blanket and watched the wave's crash onto the shore.

"Isn't this awesome?" She asked as she put on a pair of sunglasses.

I smiled and put sunscreen on my face. I heard her giggle at me. I looked over at her and asked "Is my face covered pretty good?"

She laughed then put her hair up in a blonde pony tail. "Yeah, it's covered _very_ well." She snickered.

"Great, because when your face is sun burnt, my face will be pain free." I shot back at her. She shook her head and rolled over onto her belly to watch the waves. Her chin rested on her arms.

"Hey." I looked up and saw Kelso dripping with water. "Donna asleep?"

"No, but you're getting me wet you dilhole." She yelled at him.

"Oh, okay." He said, then ran back over to the ocean.

"Man, can you believe that instead of hanging out on the beach, we'd either be in Africa or living our sucky lives in Point Place?" She said as she drew little hearts in the sand with her finger.

"Yeah, and I would be getting my teaching degree. Phew!" I said sarcastically.

She looked at me and lowered her sunglasses. "You'd rather be in _Africa_?" She asked. The look on her face told me I should say no.

"Well no, but I was hoping to finish it up in a few months so I could go to college for free and all that stuff." I said, safely saving my butt.

"It doesn't look like Kelso wants to go back to his job anytime soon." Donna laughed and motioned over to a pile of sand. There were about six kids laughing as they buried Kelso in the sand, who was also laughing.

"He'll be a really cool dad for Betsy." I said admiringly. Donna agreed with a nod of her head then slipped her sunglasses back on.

* * *

><p>I still don't like Steven. He's so icky, and definitely not my type. I don't date guys who find facial hair cool. I just wanted to kiss Steven because I'm bored. Don't you ever do that? Like… kiss guys when you're bored? Ugh, that makes me sound like Laurie, gross.<p>

I pulled away from Steven. "I would SO hate to be Fez." I told him. "I mean, she's kissed every guy that has a heartbeat, well, except Eric and Red. And you. And Fez is her husband? Ha, that sucks!"

He shrugged and we went back to kissing. God, Fez was the _perfect_ boyfriend. He worshipped me, he read Tiger Beat with me, he knew everything there was to know about celebrities, he knew how to shampoo hair, and he was a really good kisser. Plus I guess he was kind of hot, whatever. Huh, I wonder if Laurie reads Tiger Beat? Nah, with her whoring around I don't think she has enough free time.

"Does Laurie have any other hobbies besides whoring around?" I asked.

"No, she doesn't have any free time." He said. I smiled and started to kiss Steven again. Ha, I was so right! Fez married a whore, and he's stuck with Laurie the rest of his life! He's gonna have little babies that'll end up being blonde foreigners!

Eric and I were heading upstairs to my room. It would be so quiet and private. Jackie's gone, Hyde's doing whatever Hyde does, Kelso is out being buried alive, and Fez is with his wife!

When I opened the door I didn't expect to see Jackie and Hyde making out on MY bed.

"What the hell?" I yelled at them. They both looked at me with their big, dumb eyes. Eric walked up next to me and yelled "What the hell? Are you two together again?"

"Hell no!" Hyde and Jackie cried out in unison. "Hyde's soooooo not my type." Jackie stated.

"And Jackie is obnoxious and loud and spoiled. We're just passing the time." Hyde explained. Jackie nodded her head in agreement.

"Uh huh, that's what you guys said when we found you two making out for the first time," I laughed, "anyway, dinner's ready downstairs. And get the hell out of my room!" They both got up and followed Eric and I downstairs. We went through the blue and chrome living room then into the green and white dining room, where it sat six people.

"So kids," Mom started off. "What are you guys going to do tomorrow?"

"Well-" Midge cut me off and said excitedly "Oh! There's this little place called 'Bobby's', and they take you on a boat and you go on this little route to a little island where you spend the day doing whatever you want, like swim or fish or camp out, or walk around. The first time I went my boyfriend and I had sex!"

"GOD MOM!" I yelled out, covering my ears.

I uncovered my ears and listened to Eric cough out "That sounds fun, don't you think?" I nodded my head while trying to think of stuff to get that picture out of my head.

The phone rang and Mom got up to get it. The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches she made were pretty good, but not exactly filling after traveling for four days.

"Is there a Michael?" Mom yelled from the kitchen.

"Yeah, but he's not here right now." I answered.

"Well there's a girl named Brooke looking for him."

"Crap, how'd she find out where we were?" I asked, waiting for someone to respond.

"My mom." Eric said as if he knew that was the question I was going to ask.

"Just get her number and he'll call her later." I explained.

My mom disappeared for a few seconds then came back into the room.

"That Brooke girl sounded _really_ mad." My mom said while sitting down.

"Well yeah," Jackie said as if my mom was the dumbest person on earth, "She has Michael's kid and he lied to her and came to California."

Jackie got up from the table and took her plate to the kitchen. I followed her with my plate.

"Donna, I miss Fez." She sighed. "Apparently not that much." I grumbled under my breath.

"What did you say?" Jackie snapped; dropping her plate in the sink.

"I don't think you really miss Fez." I sighed. "I mean, he hadn't been gone for ten minutes and you're already hooked back up with Hy-"

"I am NOT with Hyde! He is a JERK, MEAN, DIRTY, AND IS A MAN THAT GOES OUT AND MARRIES STRIPPERS WHEN THEY'RE DATING SOMEONE ELSE!" Jackie screamed before jogging out the back door.

We haven't even been in California for four hours, and already everything was a disaster.

* * *

><p>"Why do I have to go out and find her?" I groaned.<p>

"'Cause you're the last person to make out with her!" Donna yelled at me while I was sitting on the couch.

"So?"

"So go find Jackie!" Eric snapped alongside Donna.

"Fine." I growled before getting off the couch and going out the back door.

Midge's house was pretty cool. I mean, her house was on the _beach_ man. And I would love to be her next door neighbor. What's better than looking out your window and seeing the ocean? Seeing Midge tanning-

"Well OWWW!"

I looked down to see Kelso's head sticking out of the sand with no body attached to it.

"What the hell are you doing man?" I asked. The beach was pretty much empty, except some fat chicks here and there trying to get the last bit of sun.

"Some really awesome kids buried me!" Kelso acted as if this was an achievement.

"Great, well I'm going to find Jackie. Laurie ended up finding Fez and their still married." I said while walking away.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jackie's single?" Kelso asked. I nodded my head before leaving.

"Wait! Get me the hell outta here!" He cried out. I continued walking. I'm sure Kelso can find some more 'really awesome kids' to dig him out.

"Oh sir?"

I looked down to see one of the fat chicks checking me out.

"Would you mind rubbing some… sun block on me?" Then she winked at me.

"Uh no." I continued on walking to find Jackie.

Why did _I _have to go find Jackie? I'm not the one that made her cry. I'm not the one that was married to someone else. And I'm sure as hell not the one that pissed her off by saying that she really didn't like Fez.

I happened to look at the ocean and see a little kid sitting on the shore looking at the sunset. Her life must suck if her mom was one of these single ladies wanting me to rub them down.

I heard the girl sniffling over the ocean and I immediately knew the little kid was Jackie. I sighed before dragging my feet over to her.

"Hey kid, let's go back to the house. It's about to get dark." I said, hinting to her.

"I don't want to." She cried.

"C'mon, before you know it Laurie's gonna get sick of Fez and practically give him back to you."

"Was that supposed to make me feel better?" She growled.

"Well, I was kind of hoping it would."

"Well, it didn't."

I sighed and sat down next to her, and then said the only thing I could think of that would make her feel better: "Jackie, you are way too pretty to be sitting down here with all of these fat chicks."

I saw a smile grow on her face before she giggled "I am. I totally am! Let's go Steven."

She jumped right up and started to strut back towards the house. Complimenting girls is probably the best thing to get out of trouble.

* * *

><p>Steven does have a way with words, I can tell you that. But he is still not my type. I am still waiting for Leif Garrett to come propose to me. Either now on the beach spontaneously or when he's a guest star on my show. Either one would be great. I would like it better on my show, because then the whole world can be jealous, you know? Everyone would know that I, Jackie Burkhart, am engaged to Leif Garrett.<p>

Suddenly Steven was flung to the ground by Michael.

"MICHAEL!" I screamed at him.

"That's what you get for leaving me back there!" Michael laughed.

I punched him in the shoulder.

"Well OW!" Michael said while rubbing his shoulder. I helped Steven up and we continued walking back to the house in the dark.

* * *

><p>"So Fez," I asked him as all three of us sat on the couch, trying to make small talk, "What did you and my sister do?"<p>

Donna rolled her eyes, and then Fez said "Well we went back to her boyfriend's apartment. And then we had sex-"

"Okay Fez that's quite enough!" I snapped at him to shut up.

Just then Hyde and Jackie walked in through the front door with Kelso trailing behind them. "Michael, you are such a JERK!" Jackie yelled while walking through the living room. She stopped and stared at Fez with this blank stare.

"Hello Fez." She coughed.

"Hello Jackie." Fez gulped.

Hyde dragged a dining room chair out and put it where his chair was set up in the basement; on the left of the TV. Kelso sat on a little kitchen stool over to the right of the TV.

Hyde sat on the chair and Jackie sat on his lap.

"Hyde, what the hell?" Fez asked, gawking at the scene he was looking at.

"Well, since you've found out you're married to Laurie, Steven has been comforting me." Jackie said simply.

Fez sighed and watched the television with the rest of us.

"Hey, you know what's a funny word?" Kelso asked, breaking the silence.

"PICKLE WEASEL!" He laughed.

"Where's Midge?" Hyde asked.

"Doing something with her friends. She said she wouldn't be home until like… 2." Donna stated.

As if we could all read minds, we jumped onto the floor and watched Hyde take a bag out his pocket. Even though we were in California, it still felt like we were in the basement. Good times


End file.
